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ninbayphua-moyan · 3 years ago

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Moonlit Sparrow Through Parted Clouds

Thunderous grey clouds hung heavy in the sky as I made my way towards the lecture hall. My body ached with a bone-deep exhaustion and each leaden step I took felt heavier than the last. I stopped, wanting to turn back, but time and time again, my body refused to obey as my legs carried me towards my destination.

Half an hour later, I found myself standing outside the empty lecture hall despite the countless hesitations along the way. Sighing, I sank to the floor and closed my eyes, too tired to remain upright. That’s what university does to you. It sucks out your soul, your passion, and your youth, leaving nothing behind but an empty husk of a human being.

A familiar voice calling my name pricked my hazy, sleep deprived brain and I cracked open my heavy eyelids. My facial muscles moved like clockwork, automatically forming a smile to greet my friend.

“You look like a corpse!” Chu Ying exclaimed worriedly at the sight of the heavy dark circles beneath my vacant eyes.

“Haven’t been getting much sleep this week…” I replied with a nonchalant shrug as I quickly scrunched up my eyes until they turned into little crescents of laughter, “assignments due soon.”

Seemingly convinced by my explanation, she gave me a look of sympathetic encouragement and left. The second no one was looking, I let the smile fall. Amazing what a simple smile could conceal. You could probably murder someone, smile, plead innocent and everyone would believe you. Sighing softly under my breath, I grabbed my bag and joined the gathering crowd of students as they trickled into the dimly lit lecture theatre.

My laptop sat quietly on the desk, an empty word document laid open on its illuminated screen as the lecturer’s monotonous voiced droned on and on in the background. I should have been taking down notes but my mind was too preoccupied with my issues with the Undergraduate Office to focus on what the lecturer was saying.

A rhythmic vibration drew my attention towards the phone sitting on my lap. Glancing at the pop-up notification, a wave of anxiety and hope surged through my body as I registered who the sender was – the Undergraduate‘s Office. Quickly, I pulled up the email and immediately felt my heart sinking after reading the first line.

All seminar groups are full and we cannot move students.

Lies.

Another notification, this time, from my personal tutor.

It’s only week 3, relax.

Disappointment. Betrayal. Frustration. Anger. I clenched my trembling hands into fists as the tsunami of emotions threatened to explode and spill out of my shaking body. Half of me wanted to storm over to the Undergraduate’s office and let loose the unbridled rage coursing through my veins at the unfair treatment. The other half of me wanted to lash out at my tutor’s condescending advice. My body trembled at the barely, ever so barely contained anger.

Sixteen thousand pounds. That would be eighty-four thousand two hundred and seventy-nine ringgit each year in school fees. Fees which didn’t even include the amount I needed to spend in order to buy the books required for the modules. Sixteen thousand pounds per year just to get an education, an education that I wasn’t even getting at this point and her advice for me was to relax? How could I when my parents worked their entire youth away, saving every cent just so they could send me, all the way to Britain to get a proper education! Did they even know what the stakes of sending me abroad to study was?!

My father’s average yearly income is twenty-four thousand ringgits, barely twenty-eight percent of my yearly school fees. Was it that unreasonable to want to be in a class that will allow me to learn and improve after paying for that much money out of my parents’ own pocket?! Why would anyone in their right mind come half way across the globe, paying that ridiculous amount of money, and being so far away from family and home for years, just to fool around? If that had been my intention, I wouldn’t even have bothered going to university in the first place, let alone coming all the way to Cardiff!

University will be fun they said. You’ll meet open-minded people passionate about learning they said. Hah! That’s the biggest misconception if there ever was one. First of all, the university doesn’t care about whether you actually learn anything so long as you're paying the fees. The majority of lecturers or seminar leaders will only do the most minimal amount of work required and by that, I mean three hundred words of prose only per weekly assignment. What kind of creative work could anyone produce under three hundred words? In prose! Some don’t even bother with critical commentary which is just as essential as the creative pieces. Not only does the lack of practice in writing critical commentaries and limited word count for the creative pieces inhibit students from developing any work of significance, it also underprepares students for the three-thousand-word portfolio due at the end of the semester.

Secondly, British universities are also especially discriminatory towards outsiders or people of colour, often treating minorities and international students with hostility or disregard. I’ve experienced this discrimination first hand upon requesting a seminar change. Despite having emailed the Undergraduate Office at the same time with the exact same reasons, I was denied the change whilst my British classmate was immediately allowed to swap seminars. The office even went so far as to lie about the class being full even though I was told by the professor leading that very seminar that it wasn’t. So much for the integrity of the institution.

At the end of the day, international students are nothing but cash cows to British universities.[1] Not only do they have to pay double of what British students pay in terms of fees, they also have to deal with the discriminations that come alongside being an outsider. I understood that in this day and age, education was a business, and that the university itself was, essentially, a business, but doesn’t actual passion for learning still count for something? Or was I wrong in believing in that as well? Oh, so naïve, so very naïve!

Old memories started to surface amongst the turmoil of emotions. My father and his worn-out clothes, refusing each time to buy new ones for himself just to save a little more money. My mother mending them as best she could whilst we slept, never once complaining. Images of my father’s prematurely greying hair and bloodshot eyes as he worked his health away to provide for his children’s future. My mother’s back bent low, labouring away at some project or another in order to make ends meet. Yet, they never once showed us how tired or how tough things were. There was always enough food on the table and they always had a smile on their faces around us. Sometimes, I noticed that they would eat a lot less than usual but whenever I asked, they merely joked and said they were trying to lose weight. They could have enjoyed their youth, their honeymoon, but they decided to save it all, sacrificing their health and comfort just to ensure mine by sending me here.

I remember the times where they would secretly check their wallets whenever I begged them to buy me a book. Oh, how those very books painted and fuelled my illusions of Britain’s perfection. If only I had known the reality of it all before applying to study here. But it’s too late for regrets now.

A sharp stinging pricked the back of my eyes, tears threatening to fall as my body shook with suppressed, uncontrollable rage. Maybe if I was a little braver…maybe if I fought a little harder…maybe if I confronted them a bit more…maybe…maybe…maybe…

Then as quickly as they appeared, the tsunami of emotions faded away, leaving behind an empty husk. My clenched fists loosen and fell limply at my sides as a quiet, bitter laugh escaped my lips. Nothing was going to change. No matter how hard I fought, the end results will remain the same so what’s the point of even trying in the first place?

As the cold hard reality of the situation finally presented itself, I slumped against the chair, my empty laptop screen staring blankly back at me. Resignation dragged me deeper and deeper into the murky depths of my mind. I was drowning. No one knew and no one cared. But that’s fine. The ending remains the same regardless. Always the same…

The sound of rustling papers and loud chatter momentarily draws me out of the murky waters. Realising that the lecture had ended, I gathered my things and shuffled towards the exit, my mind returning once more to the depths of the void. Outside, the rain was pouring. I plodded down the streets drenched to the bone as my legs moved mechanically towards my flat. A stifling numbness engulfed my mind as I trudged on in silence, the howling wind battering my shivering, rain-soaked body from all sides. Rounding the corner, I pulled out a key-card and entered the cramped grey flat. Out of sheer habit, I grabbed the letters from my letterbox and stuffed them into my coat pocket before heading upstairs.

Entering the dingy room, I dropped my backpack on the bed and sank to the floor. Hugging my knees to my chest, I stared vacantly at the bleak wall. My phone rang insistently in my pocket but I didn’t answer, too tired to move. The crushing weight on my lungs forced out whatever little oxygen I managed to draw, making each breath a struggle. The clamouring voices in my mind grew louder and louder, growing in intensity yet forcefully contained, like built-up pressure without release on the brink of implosion.

You’re useless

I’m…not…

You can’t even stand up for yourself or fight for what you believe is right

Yes I can! And I’m trying! I’ve –

You’re a disappointment to your parents and your family

I’m not! I swear! I –

You’ll never amount up to anything

That’s not true! I –

You’re pathetic

No –

Nothing but a Failure

Stop saying –

Human garbage

Please! Just –

Waste of space

“SHUT UP!”

Silence. Nothing but the sound of my ragged breathing in the darkness.

The world would be better off without you

I don’t know how long I had stayed there on the floor but by the time I came around, my dripping wet clothes were nearly dry. The chaotic calamity within had finally died down and I was filled with an eerie calmness. A deafening silence blanketed the air, pierced only by the hypnotic rumbling of trains across tracks. Ah yes…the railway…my ticket to solving everything…just two blocks away…and it’ll all be over��permanently…

Forcing my lethargic limbs to move, I wobbled onto my feet and stumbled towards the door. A tiny parcel fell out of my pocket and the handwriting on it made me paused. It was my mother’s. Even under the dimness of the moonlight trickling in, there was no mistaking that immaculately cursive hand.

Letting go of the door handle, I kneeled down to pick up the neatly wrapped package. Then, slowly, as if afraid it would fall apart at the slightest touch, I began unwrapping the parcel. Upon opening the box, tears welled at the corner of my eyes. Six little cylindrical bundles of haw flakes were carefully packed within, each attached to a tightly rolled up strip of paper. Gently untying the scrolls from the sweets, I began reading them one at a time.

Jie![2] I got you your favourite sweets! Wanted to buy you more of them but Ma said there wasn’t enough space in the box. Don’t worry, I’ll send you a big box of them once I’ve saved up enough money.

– Di[3]

My heart ached as I thought about how much it must have costed for them to ship the parcel all the way from Penang to Britain. And with the little amount of pocket money…it must have taken Di-Di months of saving to be able to afford buying that one bundle of sweets…

Jie, just because you’re the oldest doesn’t mean you have to hold everything in on your own y’know? It’s okay to rely on others a bit more from time to time. Enjoy the sweets you idiot, you’re crazy about those haw flakes. No idea why you like them either, they aren’t even that nice.

– Mei[4]

Tears pricked the back of my eyes as my sister’s grumpy voice echoed in my ears. I could even see the disbelieving eye roll at my odd preferences in sweets after the last sentence. How I’ve missed our senseless squabbles and late-night chats….

A-Yun, being an international student in the UK isn’t always the easiest thing, especially when you’re a minority there. You’ve already taken the necessary steps and have done all you can in that situation. Remember, it’s the end result and not the process that defines a victory. Remember what Sun Tzu mentioned in The Art of War? ‘The most important rule to victory is to know when to pick your fights and how to fight it’. Not all battles need to be fought to win the war. Never forget our family values and never lose sight of your goal. Don’t worry about finances, let me handle that. Just focus on your studies and aim for that first-class honours. The best revenge is to succeed despite their efforts to stop you. Continue to work hard and don’t give up. Know that regardless of the outcome, your Ma and I are proud of you and that we love you very, very much.

– Ba[5]

A sob catches at the back of my throat as tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Acute pangs of longing weighed heavily on my chest, making it hard to breathe.

A-Yun[6] ah, if it ever becomes too much to bear at Cardiff, come home. Ma will make you your favourite dishes. I know you want to do well but don’t overwork yourself. Remember to get enough rest and try to change your bad habit of skipping meals. Two boiled eggs alone don’t count as a proper meal either!

– Ma[7]

A sheepish giggle escaped my lips despite the tears, Ma’s exasperated voice ringing in my ears. I could almost picture the look of indignation on her face as she judges my terrible meal choices before proceeding to fill my bowl with steamy boiled dumplings.

Ah…Ma’s famous boiled dumplings…the saltiness of minced pork marinated with soy sauce and sesame oil…the refreshing sweetness of spring onions and carrots contrasting the pork’s saltiness…flecks of finely chopped hei-mu-er adding a chewy texture to the tender meat whilst thin sheets of delicately wrapped dough encapsulated it all…the slight bitterness of the herbal broth complementing the savoury dumplings…[8] My stomach growled in protest as I smiled fondly at the memory.

Wiping away the remaining tears, I unrolled the last strip of paper. Elegant brushstrokes painted familiar characters in horizontal lines. A wave of nostalgia washed over me as I recalled sitting on A-Gong’s [9] lap in the garden as kid, watching him practice calligraphy. I remembered how he used to read his poems aloud as I gaze at his hands guiding the bamboo brush across the ivory sheet, entranced by its flowing movements. Each word written was like a piece of art, each stroke of ink painting a meaning of its own.

Tranquil night’s darkness, the moon shines bright, From the mud the lotus rises, its petals pure despite. Vermillion red blossom like wildly raging flames; Elegant, virtuous, delicate, yet exquisitely untamed. The wise once said that adversity yields flair, An upright heart, oblique shadows don’t scare. Dripping water with time wears the stubborn stone, Sturdy wood too can be cut with rope saws alone! [10]

A strange tranquility wrapped itself around me as I read the poem, A-Gong’s calm and mellow voice resonating in my ears. It was almost as if he was standing right before me with the usual toothless smile and twinkling eyes on his wizen face. Tenderly cradling the small box of sweets, a faint smile graced my lips. Their vermillion red and gold wrappings shone with a certain warmth under the soft light of the moon. Gently unwrapping one of the thumb-size bundles with shaking hands, I popped a disk-like piece into my mouth.

Immediately, a wave of warmth spread throughout my cold and hollowed body, almost as if it was infused with the life-giving heat of home. The familiar tart sweetness of the hawthorn berries cleared the heavy fog that clouded my mind and for the first time in a long while, I felt energy slowly seeping back into my worn-out soul, reigniting the snuffed-out fire within. Strange how something so small, barely the size of my thumb, could bring so much comfort and hope. That night, the moon shone a little brighter than usual, and the normally barren sky seemed to be exploding with billions of twinkling stars.

NOTES

[1] Alina Schartner & Yoonjoo Cho, ‘“Empty signifiers” and “dreamy ideals”: perceptions of the “international university” among higher education students and staff at a British university’, Higher Education, 74 (2017), 455-472

[2] ‘Jie’ means older sister in Chinese

[3] 'Di’ means younger brother in Chinese

[4] 'Mei’ means younger sister in Chinese

[5] ‘Ba’ means father in Chinese

[6] ‘Yun’ is written as ‘云’ meaning ‘cloud’

[7] 'Ma’ means mother in Chinese

[8] Hei-mu-er is the Mandarin term for black cloud ear fungus, a type of mushroom often used in Chinese cuisines.

[9] ‘A-Gong’ means grandfather in Chinese (specifically, the Hainanese pronounciation)

[10] This is a self written and self translated poem I wrote. The original Chinese version can be found here.

[11] ‘Moonlit Sparrow Through Parted Clouds’ is a play on 守得云开见月明 meaning the moon will shine brightly again when the clouds part, and 麻雀虽小五脏俱全 meaning though a sparrow is small, it has all the vital organs.

Author's Notes:

So this is one of my earlier prose pieces from uni (all the way back from first year lol). I don’t usually post prose? Not prose of this length at least. Anyways, I thought I’d take the leap and try posting them online now since I decided to start doing that for my poetry pieces? The rest of my prose pieces throughout uni somehow ended up becoming interlinked with several recurring characters though there are some inconsistencies since they were initially intended as stand-alone pieces rather than a series of somewhat loosely linked short stories. I’ll be posting them in story timeline sequence (or at least as closely to a sequence as I can since I didn’t exactly plan out the timeline of these pieces either) rather than in the sequence it was written in so there might be a slight fluctuation in writing style cuz they do kinda change over the years? Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading Part 1~

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Since exams are over and graded and I've officially graduated, I can finally post my work online without having to worry about Turnitin picking it up as plagiarism because apparently you aren't allowed to plagiarise yourself according to university which is absolutely ridiculous but I'm not the one making the rules here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, please don't reupload my works without permission.

#ninbayphua 墨彦 #prose #short story #I'm new to sharing stories or prose I've written online so please be kind #constructive critisms are always welcomed #please don't repost without permission

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going-fancognito · 4 years ago

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if ur still doing requests could u do jealous revali??? i love the way u write him 🥺

I’m not worthy of your praise but TYSM!!

Jealous Revali:

‘Aight, so I see Revali having two different reactions;

1. If someones hitting on you and you’re uncomfortable:

Birb immediately goes into protective mode

Will step in between you and your unwanted assailant

“You must pardon my intrusion Y/N. A little pest has been buzzing around you for some time now. It seems the little insect doesn’t realize that it’s presence is welcome

The guy does not seem to take the hint

The longer he stays, the more blunt Revalis insults become

Eventually, he runs out of patience

“Alright, I’ll put this in a way even a dimwitted fool like you can understand; kindly piss off and continue your chirping somewhere else. Otherwise-” An evil glint appears in his eye “I can guarantee you an arrow lodged up somewhere very unpleasant.”

He whisks you away before they can respond

He later lectures you on being more assertive

“You are the partner of the great Champion Revali, that alone should demand the highest treatment.”

His tone is surprisingly firm. “Never let anyone treat you with anything less than the upmost respect.”

He just doesn’t want people to take advantage of your kindness

(Aw, he cares)

2. If he’s jealous of someone close you’re close with:

[What’s this? Sassy Birb is evolving...]

[Sassy Birb has evolved into: Floofy Tsundere]

I like to think that if flustered enough, a Rito will instinctively poof up their feathers as an intimidation tactic

Revali will probably do so with your friend without realizing

Is passive-aggressive af

“Oh they’re one of Hyrules knights, are they? I’m impressed they managed it with their current skills”

You stiffen up a bit.

Shit, you recognized that tone. “Um, yeah. [Friends name] is quickly climbing up the ranks. His superior even said he might be eligible to join the Royal guard soon.”

Revalli doesn’t even bother hiding his disinterest. “Is that so? Well, I suppose that’s better than nothing at all.”

Yep, he’s a salty boi

He’ll will vehemently deny any jealousy though if you ask

“Me, envy him? Ha! Bless your delusional heart”

He’s does his best to act nonchalant, “There’s nothing to be jealous of, even Link has more on them, not that it says much.”

.....He just complimented Link

Oh, now you KNOW he’s jealous

You emphasize to Revali how that’s good, since they were your cousin

Oops

He at least has the decency to look sheepish. “Ah, I see. Good.” Well, this was awkward. “Thats-that’s good. Awfully kind of them to venture all this way for a visit.”

“Well it wasn’t exactly for me,” You raise an eyebrow at you boyfriend. “They’ve been dying to meet ‘The Great Revali’ for awhile now. They’re your biggest fan”

Lol, way to twist the knife there

Revali eventually apologizes to your cousin. Hel even offers them a few archery lessons, to their delight

(You could hear their fanboy screaming all the from Zoras domain)

He’ll still refuse to admit he was jealous though

“I simply thought he was acting complacent. No one likes a cocky braggart, my dear.” (Like you’re one to talk bird boy)

Despite his claims, he can’t stop his feathers from ruffling up a bit, to your amusement (and his embarrassment)

Yeah sure, whatever helps you fly at night Revali

#tysm for liking my writing #you have no idea how happy that makes me #your praise gives me life #botw requests #botw headcanons #revalixreader #botw imagines #my writing #revali botw #revali x reader

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soobiniebaby · 4 years ago

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Angels & Devils Part XIII : Just Stay

Tomorrow x Together Fanfiction

~ p a r t s : main post || prologue || part 1 || part 2 || part 3 || part 4 || part 5 || part 6 || part 7 || part 8 || part 9 || part 10 || part 11 || part 12 || part 13 || part 14 || part 15 || part 16 || part 17 ~ p a i r i n g : love triangle involving choi soobin and choi yeonjun ~ g e n r e : high school au | some social media au | some fluff & angst | childhood friends | love triangle ~ l a n g u a g e : English ~ w a r n i n g : contains swearing, alcohol, kissing (?) and may contain mature themes (angst, etc.) ~ a / n : This will be my first fanfic (go easy on me pls) and i’m just writing this as I go along, so bear with me juseyo The setting (place/country) of the story is up to the reader’s interpretation ~ s u m m a r y : What should she choose? Han Baby: the new girl with a troubled past MO Academy: her new high school Choi Soobin: student council president, member of the Ecosave club, volunteer at the Humane Treatment of Animals, member of the Honor Society, a vocalist in the Jazzed club, the school’s all around golden boy Choi Yeonjun: leader of the Dance club, star of the Jazzed club, the school’s it boy with a bad rep 5 best friends, 1 new girl, 1 childhood friendship, 1 epic love triangle? What will this school year bring?

Choi Yeonjun didn’t know when to stop, which was one of his greatest strengths, but now he knew that it could very well be his greatest weakness as well.

Once he had set his sights on something, he’d never stop until he achieved it. Take B for example, the moment he knew he wanted her, he didn’t let anything stop him from pursuing her until she finally said yes. For tonight, a goal he had unintentionally set was to keep himself on Kim Jisoo’s good side, as that’s what his father would have wanted. And because of that, ever since she had arrived at the club that night, he felt as if he had no choice but to follow along with whatever she wanted, even if that meant spending the night entertaining his ex girlfriend.

Park Rose was just as captivating and electrifying as he remembered her to be. Her fiery red hair was just as stunning as her jolting personality, which was one of the things that he had loved about her. She was exciting, even now he could never tell what was going through her mind or what unexpected words would spew out her mouth. She always caught him off guard, and the feeling on being kept on his toes just kept him wanting more.

Tonight was no different. He wanted to believe that the only reason he had been stuck by Rose’s side the whole night was because Jisoo had insisted that he hang around their group for the evening, but he knew that a small part of him was still captivated by Rose’s appeal. He knew that he could easily give Jisoo a plausible excuse to break away from her group, but a part of him didn’t want to.

Maybe it was the 5 rounds of shots that Jisoo ordered up for the group, or maybe it was the 3 glasses of Vodka Redbulls that he had consumed, but whatever it was, Rose felt too familiar, her rose scented perfume overpowering his senses as she leaned in close whenever she spoke to him, the way her laugh resounded above the noise of the blaring club music took him back to all the times she would laugh at all his lame jokes, the way she tilted her head back and laid a hand on his shoulder reminded him of how surprisingly gentle her touch was for someone who was so boisterous and loud, and the way she pouted at him when he refused her offer to dance with her echoed all the times she would pout at him in the past knowing that he would eventually give in and she’d get her way.

With the alcohol overpowering his system and Rose taking over his senses, he lets her pull him through the crowd until they were in the throng of sweaty bodies and booming music, and he watches as she whips her long red hair over her shoulder and starts to move around him. As she rests her hands on his shoulders and slowly moves closer towards him, moving her body against his, he’s reminded of the nights they spent with their bodies entwined and how he memorized every dip and curve in her skin like a map, causing his face to heat up at the memories.

As she notices the shift in his facial expression, she smirks, catching him off guard before grabbing his face and pulling down until their lips crashed together.

She kisses him hungrily, her lips moving fervently as her fingertips dug deeper into his skin, yet unlike the hundreds of kisses they shared before, this one tasted like bitter poison on his lips.

He instantly breaks away, pulling her hands off his body, as he looks at her in distaste. “What the fuck did you do that for?” he hisses.

She looks at him innocently, batting her lashes, before she shrugs. “I missed you, Junnie, and I know you missed me too.” She attempts to lay a hand on his shoulder but he shrugs her off, grabbing her hand and shoving it away.

“You haven’t changed at all, Rose.” he spits out. As he wipes his mouth and turns his back on her, his gaze meets a familiar pair of eyes from across the room, and he freezes, taking in the disappointed look on Soobin’s face, realizing that he had probably seen what just happened.

“Shit.” he says to himself, and as Soobin turns away and shakes his head, Yeonjun quickly darts across the room to meet him, trying his best to navigate through the crowd, keeping his eyes focused on his best friend.

“Soobin, wait.” Yeonjun finally says once he’s within earshot. “I need you to listen.” They’ve reached a less crowded and more quiet part of the club, by the bar, and Soobin had taken a seat on one of the barstools, running a frustrated hand through his hair before downing 3 consecutive shots of vodka. Yeonjun had never really seen his friend like this before.

“What, Yeonjun?” Soobin says, his face going sour as the alcohol slides down his throat. “Whatever it is you have to say, I’m listening now. But I have some things to say too, and when I start talking, you better listen carefully.”

Yeonjun takes a deep breath as he takes a seat beside Soobin, downing a shot of alcohol himself before looking him in the eyes. “I’m not sure what exactly you saw, but I’ll explain everything anyway. And I promise that I’ll listen to whatever you have to say too.” he begins slowly. “Kim Jisoo is here, as in Kim Jonghyun’s successor, the owner of the biggest Technology Firm in the country? Anyway, for as long as I can remember, my father has been very particular about staying on Jisoo’s good side for company relation purposes, and that means practically treating her like a VIP whenever I see her.”

He goes on to explain how Jisoo showed up with her friends and how Rose happened to be one of them, and about how the rest of the night had gone, up until the moment Rose pulled him in for a kiss and he cursed her out.

“Are you done now?” Soobin asks when Yeonjun finally stops talking. He had been quiet the whole time, staring at Yeonjun straight on as he absorbed every word that came out of his mouth. When Yeonjun nods, Soobin sighs.

“Yeonjun, I need you to be honest with me here. I’m going to ask you some questions and I want you to really think about it before you give me any answers.” Soobin says, and after Yeonjun nods, he begins.

“First of all, do you still have feelings for Rose?” he asks. Yeonjun’s mouth opens to flat out say ‘no,’ but upon seeing Soobin’s look of disapproval, he pauses and tries to think really hard about it.

He couldn’t deny that he definitely still felt that familiar spark that he used to feel whenever Rose was involved, but he chalked it up to the fact that she just felt familiar and he just felt nostalgic. “To be completely honest, I definitely felt something when I saw her again, but that was just because I was so surprised after not seeing her for what 2 years?” he says.

Soobin raises a brow. “But you definitely felt something? What did you feel?”

Yeonjun lets out an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know, it felt…familiar? She felt the same, I felt like a spark but that doesn’t mean anything.”

Soobin’s brows furrow together. “A spark? That doesn’t sound like nothing, Yeonjun.”

“Trust me, whatever it was, it means nothing to me. Because she’s a lying, cheating, manipulative mess of a person and she can go to hell for all I care.” he said, trying to sound as convincing and as chagrined as he could, but after seeing her again, it felt weird to talk about her as if she were trash.

“Whatever you say.” Soobin says, sounding unconvinced. Yeonjun could tell that Soobin was trying to maintain his composure and trying to remain level headed, but the way he rolled his shoulders back was a dead giveaway that he was close to losing it. “And now for my second question.” he says, taking a pause.

Yeonjun raises a brow. “Yeah? What is it?”

“Do you…” Soobin begins, hesitating. “Do you love B?”

Yeonjun stopped breathing for a moment, the mention of his girlfriend knocking the wind out of his lungs, the guilt of realizing that she hadn’t even crossed his mind the whole time he was with Rose filling his gut. “Do I love B?” he repeats.

Soobin nods, and judging by how tight his jaw was clenched, Yeonjun knew that he had to consider his answer very carefully. But how could he ever admit that she hadn’t crossed his mind the entire time he was with his ex?

“What kind of a question is that?” Yeonjun exclaims. “Soobin, we’ve only been dating for a couple of weeks, I don’t know. How would I know?” Yeonjun was panicking, the words tumbling out of his mouth. “How do you even know when you’re in love with someone after just 2 weeks—” he sputters, until Soobin takes him by surprise and slams a fist on the countertop, making Yeonjun jump in his seat.

“God damn it, Yeonjun. What the fuck are you saying?” Soobin says, his voice dangerously calm but the words coming out like venom, making Yeonjun wince. “It’s either you love her or you don’t, and right now, it doesn’t sound like you do.”

“Soobin, come on! I can’t just decide whether I love her or not. But I think I definitely could be in love with her.” Yeonjun says helplessly. “I mean, she’s amazing. She’s beautiful, she’s perfect, she’s… one of the best damn things to ever happen to me.” he finishes. “And maybe I’m not sure if I love her right now, but I know that I would make a complete ass of myself if I let a girl like her go, so I could very well love her anyway.”

Silence envelops them then, the club music and party goers sounding distant, as Soobin stares at Yeonjun calculating his answers, until he finally says “She saw you, you know.”

“Who? Baby? She saw me what?” Yeonjun asks nervously.

“She said she saw the look on your face when Rose walked into the club earlier. I wouldn’t have believed her until I saw you actually talking to Rose.” Soobin sighs. “I don’t know if it’s cause she was wasted, because believe me she reeked of alcohol, but she was a blubbering mess, Yeonjun. She was devastated. If she finds out that you kissed Rose, it would kill her.”

Yeonjun’s face starts to pale. “Shit, she saw that? And she told you? How did she even know about Rose?”

“Yes, she apparently saw that and yes, she told me all about it. That’s not the point, Yeonjun. Now this is the part where you listen to me. Very carefully.” Soobin says, his authoritative I’m-the-student-council-president voice taking over. “B is in a very fragile state right now. She was a big mess, crying her eyes out on the floor of the broom closet, already questioning her self-worth, insecurities eating her alive. She told me that it hurt to see you with your ex.”

“She said all that?” Yeonjun says, the guilt weighing down his heart. “What else did she say?”

“Maybe it should’ve been you, Soobin.”

Soobin shook his head, trying to forget that segment of their conversation and everything that followed. “She didn’t say much else. But you know what I said? I told her that you would be a complete idiot to let something as insignificant as your cheater of an ex to fuck things up. But I guess I was wrong.”

Now that really hurt Yeonjun. He put a hand on his chest. “You know she’s the one who kissed me, right?” he says. “Yes, I talked to her and all that, but—”

“You cheated on her, Yeonjun.” Soobin says quietly, making him freeze.

“What did you say?” Yeonjun asks, his hands shaking now. “Are you calling me a cheater, Choi?” his voice raised. How dare he? “Maybe what I did wasn’t right, but you know what a real cheater does? A real cheater uses you and fucks other people behind your back, all the while making you think that everything is your god damn fault.” Just like Rose did, he thought to himself. “And that’s not me.”

“‘Maybe it wasn’t right?’ Yeonjun, you were with your ex for almost the whole night. You could’ve left any time you wanted to but you didn’t. What’s worse is that you felt something, you felt a spark while you were with her. And maybe the kiss wasn’t your fault, but the fact that you even gave her a chance to let it happen speaks volumes to me.” Soobin answers back, his breaths coming in heavy as he starts to lose his composure.

Soobin shook his head. “Forget it. It’s your relationship that you’re fucking up, not mine. You believe whatever you want, tell B whatever you want, I’m staying out of it. But let me just say one last thing.” he says, standing up from the barstool. “You better not hurt her, Yeonjun.”

And with that, Soobin gives him one last meaningful look before downing another shot and walking away.

•°•

When Han Baby woke up the next morning, she was made aware of 3 things.

First, she was badly hungover.

She tried to open her eyes but the blinding lights glaring into the room were too bright for her dehydrated body to endure. She rolls over in bed and she immediately feels a wave of nausea shoot through her stomach as her whole world spins. She squeezes her eyes with her hands and stretches her arms outwards until they come in contact with something warm and soft and solid. A person.

Second, she was not alone in her bed. Surprised, she instantly turns her head to face whoever was sleeping in her bed, instantly regretting it when she feels the world around her spin once again, but an endeared smile instantly creeps into her face when she sees who the person was. It was Yeonjun, his blue hair standing out against her white sheets, one hand over his face and another resting on his bare chest, the blanket coming up to his stomach, which was lined with a subtle yet noticeable layer of muscles.

Third, Yeonjun was laying shirtless in her bed. And he had abs.

She felt her face heat up upon seeing so much of his bare skin and immediately peeked at the covers to see if she was still clothed, and sighed in relief when she saw that she was still wearing her dress from the night before. Once that was established, she takes a moment to observe her boyfriend, who looked like an angel with his glowing honey-tinted skin, his plump perfectly shaped lips slightly parted as he let out a few quiet snores in his sleep, making her giggle. She tries to recall the events that led up to having him sleep in her bed for the night, but nothing from the night before comes to mind.

What happened last night?

She remembered arriving at the club with Kai and walking in together with the guys, she remembered meeting Ryujin and Yuna inside, she remembered having a few shots with the group before someone suggested they play that Kiss or Tell game, but her mind was unable to conjure up images of anything that came after. Whatever happened, she figured it couldn’t have been anything bad since she woke up next to Yeonjun the night after his birthday party, and she was a bit curious and excited to find out how exactly it happened.

Remembering the date, she excitedly scooches closer to him, resting on her elbows as she leans over him and plants gentle kisses all over his face, from his cheeks to his forehead, to his nose and down to his lips.

Yeonjun lets out a noise, a sleepy grunt, before he runs a hand through his hair and slowly opens his eyes, surprised to see B looking down at him.

“Happy birthday, Choi Yeonjun.” she whispers, a bright smile on her face as their eyes meet. He smiles back at her, slowly and groggily, his eyes still cloudy with sleep.

He lifts a hand up and strokes her hair, savoring her radiant smile before gently pulling her towards him to let their lips meet once again. “And good morning to you, Han Baby.” he says, their lips still touching. When he feels her smile against his lips, he lets out a little laugh before pulling her in even closer, until she was lying down on top of him, the covers between their bodies. She lets her fingers roam, fiddling with the sheets until her hand comes in contact with the warm skin of his chest.

“Good morning to you, too.” she says, biting her lower lip to stop herself from smiling too much. “What are you doing here, birthday boy?”

He opens his mouth to respond, but his mind is unable to formulate an answer. As he tries to look back on the night before, he realizes that the last thing he remembers was welcoming Kim Jisoo and her friends, which happened to include his ex-girlfriend, into the club. He remembered hanging around them at Jisoo’s request and downing shots and drinking vodka, but after that, his mind went black.

His brows pull together as he responds “I’m actually not sure, the night is a bit of a blur to me, and there’s a lot that I don’t really remember.”

B sighs. “Maybe we can help each other fill in the blanks together? I tell you what I remember and you tell me what you remember?” she suggests, her fingers tracing circles over his torso.

“Are you drawing circles around my nipples?” Yeonjun asks, looking down at his chest where her fingers were. She immediately blushes and pulls her hands away, making him laugh. “Okay okay, let’s fill in the blanks together. What do you remember?”

B tells him about what she recalls, up until the game of Kiss or Tell. “After the game, I hardly remember anything. I think I went off with Ryujin and, knowing her, she’s probably the reason why I got blackout drunk.”

Yeonjun nods. “That sounds about right. I remember I was welcoming some people from my father’s guest list and I ended up tagging along with a few of them.”

“Oh? Which ones?” B asks, her fingers drawing random patterns on his skin.

“Kim Jisoo, heiress to the biggest Technology Firm in the nation. My father insists I treat her like a VIP every time I see her, so I practically have to kiss the ground she walks on. She brought a few friends with her, one of which…” Yeonjun hesitates, before taking a quick breath, “just so happened to be my ex.” he finishes.

B’s fingers freeze on his skin, her mouth snapping shut, as she tries to take in this information. She didn’t want to freak out over it, but a part of her had been insecure about Yeonjun’s past relationship ever since she found out about it. Everyone made it sound like such a big deal, her being his first love and all, and B’s curiosity got the best of her and she even ended up looking her up on social media and stalking her twitter account, which she instantly regretted because all it did was make her feel insecure about herself.

“Your ex?” B asks, trying to sound casual and unfazed. “Your first love, right?”

Yeonjun looks at her surprised and nods. “Yeah, how’d you know about that?”

“Ah, Ryujin and Yuna told me a bit about it. Her name was Rose, right?” B asks.

It felt wrong to hear her name come out of B’s lips, but he nods. “Yeah, Rose. She was with Kim Jisoo last night so I ended up seeing her too. I hope you don’t mind that I spent time with my ex last night.” he says. Granted, he didn’t remember much about what he did when he was with Rose last night, but that didn’t matter to him now.

B nods. “Yeah, it’s fine, I shouldn’t even care about it, I mean it’s your relationship.”

“It was my relationship, but not anymore.” Yeonjun looks at her and notices that she was deliberately avoiding her gaze. “Baby.” he says, trying to get her attention. When her eyes shift to the floor, he cups her face in his hand and gently rubs his thumb against her cheek. “Hey, Baby, look at me.”

She finally looks at him then, and it’s clear in her eyes that she definitely didn’t like the idea of him seeing his ex again. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t avoid seeing her last night. I didn’t know she was gonna be there. If it bothers you or makes you uncomfortable in any way at all, I promise I’ll never see her again.” he says, soothingly tracing her jaw now. He uses his free hand to hold hers and press it against his chest, right where his heart is.

“Do you feel this, Baby?” he asks, the gentle rise and fall of his chest accompanied by the inexplicable beating of his heart. “This is all yours, Han Baby. I am all yours. I promise.” he says reassuringly. She gives a small smile but bites her lip, and he can tell that she was resisting. He uses his thumb to dislodge her lower lip from her teeth, gently brushing it.

“Thank you, Yeonjun.” she says, finally giving him a genuine smile. She knew it might’ve seen strange, and she didn’t want to be that insecure or controlling girlfriend, but it was nice to see that he was making the effort to make her happy, and that was enough for her. “Now I have one question for you…”

Yeonjun raises a brow, wondering what it could be.

She grins. “What happened to your shirt?”

Yeonjun bursts out laughing, his chest rumbling below her, sending vibrations through the sheets. “I think we’ll have to figure out the answer to that together, Baby. You wanna have breakfast before my father inevitably summons me for some bullshit birthday dinner with my family?”

B nods, giggling and booping his nose. “Whatever you want, birthday boy.”

•°•

Turns out that Yeonjun ended up shirtless because someone (presumably B) had thrown up on his shirt, as evidenced by his shirt found discarded on her bedroom floor with puke stains all over. Neither of them could recall how they ended up in B’s bed together or anything else from the night before, but they didn’t mind.

They spent most of the day lazing around B’s apartment, grateful that Kai had conveniently recovered from the chicken pox and no longer needed to stay over at her apartment. Once Yeonjun had received a message from his father telling him to be home by 5PM and a text from his driver saying that he was ready to pick him up and waiting outside B’s apartment, it was time for him to go.

“Um, Baby, as much as I know you don’t mind me being in my shirtless state, I’m pretty sure that my parents would be highly concerned if I came home with a puke-stained shirt from the night before or with no shirt at all.” Yeonjun says after collecting his belongings.

“Oh, right. We probably should’ve washed your shirt when we got up this morning.” B says, slapping her forehead. “Wait, let me check my closet to see if I have anything you can borrow.” she says, opening her wardrobe.

Yeonjun chuckles. “Baby, you are aware of how adorably tiny you are, right?”

B huffs, looking through her cabinet. “I am well aware, thank you.” she says, quickly glaring at him before turning back to her clothes. “But I like to wear oversized clothes, so I might have something in here that could fit you.” she says, looking through the jackets and hoodies hanging in her closet, until she sees a big gray one that definitely looked like it could fit Yeonjun, or even big enough to look oversized on him.

“That looks like it would fit me. It looks like it would be a little too big on me, actually.” Yeonjun observes as B examines the big gray hoodie. “Wow, how big is that on you? It looks like you could wear it as a dress.”

“It goes all the way down to my knees, actually.” B whispers under her breath. “I, uh, I don’t think this hoodie’s any good. I know I have a button down here somewhere that would be perfect fit on you.” she says, quickly putting the big gray hoodie back in and rummaging through the clothes.

“What? Why not?” Yeonjun asks.

Because it’s Soobin’s, she thought. And at the thought of Soobin, her heart aches for some inexplicable reason.

“Because I haven’t really washed it, ah, here it is.” B says dismissively, taking out a plaid button-down shirt and handing it over to him. “I’m sure this will fit you perfectly.”

Yeonjun puts the shirt on and starts buttoning it up, his biceps straining against the fabric. “I’m not much of a plaid guy, but this will do.” he says, fixing the shirt up. “How does it look?”

B giggles. “I’m pretty sure it’s the girlfriend who’s supposed to be wearing the boyfriend’s clothes, but that shirt definitely looks better on you than it ever has on me.”

Yeonjun grins. “Guess we're breaking gender stereotypes then. Alright, you can wear my clothes anytime you want. And thanks, Baby.” he says, giving her a quick kiss. “I really have to go now, Hwall’s been waiting for me downstairs and I don’t think I can keep my father waiting any longer either.”

“It’s alright, Yeonjunie.” she says, rubbing their noses together. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow. Happy birthday.” she says again.

“Thanks, Baby.” he says, kissing her forehead, making his way down to kiss the tip of her nose, and finally her lips before pulling away. “See you tomorrow.”

And with that, she escorts him out of her apartment, watching him make his way down the building and waving him off as he gets into his car.

She sighs as she closes the front door behind her, laying a hand over her chest. Spending the day with Yeonjun was great, but she couldn’t stop thinking of that second of heartache she felt when she thought of Soobin, and how she felt the pain once again as soon as he popped into her mind.

What was that about?

•°•

“Soobin.”

“…”

“Soobin?”

“…”

“Soobin!”

After the third time, he couldn’t resist any longer. He sighs and plasters on a smile before turning to face her. “Hey B.” It was Monday, 2 days after the disastrous events that took place at Yeonjun’s birthday party, and he had been trying his best to avoid both of them. He didn’t know what Yeonjun had told B or how much B knew about what happened on Saturday night, but a part of him was surprised when the pair arrived at school together on Yeonjun’s new motorbike, which was a birthday gift from his parents. “What’s up?” Soobin adds, trying to push away all his thoughts and feign normalcy.

“What’s up? Are you kidding me? You haven’t said a single thing to me today and the first thing you say is ‘what’s up?’” B asks playfully, nudging his arm. That was true, he had gone the whole day without speaking to either of them, which had been easy enough since the 2 of them were practically in their own love bubble at lunch, making it easier for Soobin to stay away. It was currently their last period, their Creative Writing class, and Yeonjun had been pulled out of school for the afternoon by his father so he was absent, leaving B and Soobin alone.

“Technically, the first thing I said was ‘Hey B.’” Soobin returns with a playful tone. “Why? Is there anything you wanna talk about?” he asks a bit nervously. Knowing how wasted she was the last time he saw her, he was unsure about whether or not she remembered anything about their conversation in the broom closet, but he was hoping that she didn’t. Especially the part where he said:

“It’s not like I never liked you, because I did. And I still do.”

To his surprise and relief, B just shakes her head. “Nah, you just seemed a bit off today and I just wanted to know if you were okay. Is there anything you wanna talk about?” she asks.

Soobin’s smile suddenly felt very pained. He wanted to do his best to avoid them and stay out of their relationship, but why did she have to be so damn sweet? And why did she have to look so damn good? He always found her to be rather attractive, from the moment he caught her at the steps on the first day of school, but now she looked absolutely radiant. Her skin was glowing in contrast to her long dark hair, making the blush creeping into her cheeks and her plump pink lips stand out. She looked so beautiful it made his heart ache. “No, I’m fine, but thanks for worrying about me, B.” he simply says.

B raises a brow. “Are you sure? You’ve been looking mopey and sad all day.” she says, concerned. “This something happen? I haven’t heard from you or the other guys all weekend either, except for Ninging.”

Soobin shakes his head. “Nothing’s happened, everything’s fine.” he lies, but then he stops. He knew that something definitely happened and that not everything was fine, but she was acting too cheerful considering what happened last Saturday night. “What about you? How was your weekend? Did anything happen?” he asks, curious now.

“My weekend was nice. I woke up on Sunday morning hungover as fuck, but I woke up and Yeonjun was there in my apartment with me!” she laughs. “It’s actually really funny cause neither of us remember how we ended up together in my apartment. I guess we both got way too drunk last Saturday night. I don’t mind though, cause I got to spend most of Sunday celebrating Yeonjun’s birthday with him until he had to go. It was really nice.” B says with a happy smile on my face.

No way. Did she not know? “Oh that does sound nice. I can’t believe you got wasted last Saturday night though. How much do you remember?” he asks, wanting to know.

She bites her lip, trying her best to recall. “Honestly, not much. I only remember up until we played that Kiss or Tell game then we all sort of went our own ways. Ryujin dragged me along and I’m pretty sure we ended up doing shots, which is probably how I got so drunk. Other than that, the night’s a blank. Same goes for Yeonjun, though he did tell me that he remembered seeing his ex girlfriend there. You knew his ex, right?” she asks with wide curious eyes.

So Yeonjun didn’t tell her? “Yeah, I remember Rose. I can’t believe she was there. Did Yeonjun mention anything else? I mean, it must have been weird for him to see his ex again after 2 years.” he says, the kiss between Yeonjun and Rose clear in his mind and the confrontation that followed after still lingering in his thoughts.

B shakes her head. “I guess it was a bit weird but he didn’t mention anything, just that he ended up getting pretty drunk as well. And I know it sounds crazy, but to be honest, the thought of him seeing his ex girlfriend again makes me feel sick but he promised he wouldn’t see her again or do anything that made me feel uncomfortable. Isn’t he sweet?” she says, laughing.

No fucking way. He didn’t tell her. Now Soobin was mad, and he badly needed to keep himself together. He didn’t want to lose it, especially not in front of B, who didn’t seem to know anything. “Wow, that does sound sweet.” he says, trying not to let the bitterness creep into his tone.

B nods. “He really is.” she says dreamily. Soobin grips his seat tightly, his knuckles straining as he tried to keep his composure. How could Yeonjun not tell her? And how could she sit there and gush over him? The whole thing made him feel sick and he wished he never saw B crying in the broom closet or that he never saw Yeonjun kissing Rose, he wished he could be as blissfully unaware as B was, cause the whole thing was making his blood boil. He just wanted to get away from both of them, to follow Taehyun’s advice and stay as far away from their relationship as possible.

Just as he felt like he was about to combust, their teacher catches the class’s attention.

“Hello class. I can see that a lot of you have been making good progress with your social media project, but I have to say that over the weeks, I don’t feel like there’s much of a story in your posts. I’ve decided to extend your project up until the end of the term, and I’m sure you’ll all be happy to know that you’ll be stuck with your partners until then.” Sir Kim announces, sending the class buzzing.

B turns to Soobin with a big smile on her face. “Hear that, Soobin? Looks like we’ll be stuck together ‘till the end of the term.” she says excitedly.

Soobin gives her a pained smile in return. “Great.”

•°•

“Hey Baba, remind me I need to stop by your place to pick up my stuff.” Kai says as he munches on his egg tarts.

B nods. “Sure thing, Ninging. I already cleaned up the guest room and I left all your clothes folded neatly on the bed.”

It was after school and they were doing their usual hangout at Kang’s café, and Soobin felt like he was going out of his mind. He kept bouncing his knee under the table and shaking his legs, as if something were trying to crawl out of his skin.

Noticing this, Taehyun nudges his leg and raises a brow at him.

In response, Soobin decides to send him a text.

“Ah, my mom just texted me that she needs help lifting some things in the pantry. Soobin, can you come with me? I could use your help.” Taehyun says casually, finishing up his glass of lemonade.

Soobin nods and stands straight up. “Let’s go.” he says, making his way to the kitchen before Taehyun even got the chance to stand up.

Taehyun sighs, leaving the table and following after him. Beomgyu shoots him a confused look, but Taehyun just shakes his head in response, leaving Beomgyu at the table with B and Kai.

Taehyun leads the way into the pantry at the very back of the kitchen, letting Soobin in before locking the door behind him.

“Okay, we should be safe here. Now tell me, what’s wrong? Why do you look like you can’t breathe whenever you’re with B?” Taehyun says, folding his arms across his chest.

Soobin takes a deep breath. “Okay, remember when I found B wasted and crying her eyes out over seeing Yeonjun with Rose last Saturday?” he begins. Taehyun nods, urging him to continue. “Well, there’s more to it than just that.”

“What do you mean?” Taehyun asks. “You know, we still haven’t really talked about what happened last Saturday night, I was too busy to call you yesterday. I need you to tell me everything now.”

“Alright, so I saw B crying because she saw Yeonjun with Rose, she was an insecure wreck so I tried to comfort her and out of nowhere she says ‘Maybe it should’ve been you, Soobin.’” he says, holding up his hands to do air quotes. “So I was like, what’s that supposed to mean? Then she said that people have told her before that she and I would’ve been a good couple or something and then she says something like ‘maybe I should’ve chosen you, even though that wasn’t an option cause you never liked me’ and that’s when I ended up telling her ‘It’s not like I never liked you, cause I did, and I still do.’” Soobin says, groaning as he covers his face with his hands in shame.

Taehyun goes soft and lets out an “Aw, Soobin. That’s how you told her you like her?”

Soobin nods. “Yes, and I know I said that I wished she wouldn’t remember anything, and guess what, she doesn’t remember anything!”

“Isn’t that a good thing? Now you won’t have to clear the air with her about you whole ‘I like you’ confession.” Taehyun asks.

“Yes, but I mean she doesn’t remember anything. All she remembers is up until the end of the Kiss or Tell game and then getting drunk with Ryujin. She doesn’t remember seeing Yeonjun with Rose, she doesn’t remember how devastated she was when she saw them together.” Soobin say, running a hand through his hair.

“Well, that still doesn’t seem too bad. At least now she won’t feel bad about it.” Taehyun reasons out.

Soobin shakes his head. “That’s not all. After you and Gyu arrived and you kicked me out of the broom closet, I started wandering around the club, then I saw Yeonjun with Rose. It seemed fine at first, they seemed like 2 people catching up and having a good time, dancing in the club, but then she kisses him.”

Taehyun’s eyes widen. “Yeonjun and Rose kissed last Saturday night?” he says in disbelief. “When? How? Why?”

“I dunno, I think it was about 30 minutes after I left you and Gyu with B? And it was like I said, one minute they’re talking and laughing, then the next minute they’re on the dance floor, and next thing I know they’re kissing.” Soobin says. “Yeonjun pulled away, and that’s when he saw me and we had a little talk.”

“Wow, that sounds bad. Rose is such a bitch, I’ve always hated her. What did you 2 talk about?” Taehyun remarks.

“I sorta just confronted him about it. I gave him a chance to explain what just happened, I asked him if he still had feelings for Rose and he said he felt a spark or something, I asked him if he loves B and he didn’t seem to know. I told him that B saw him and Rose together and how messed up she was over it. I told him that he cheated on B, that even if Rose was the one who kissed him he shouldn’t have given her a chance to let it happen in the first place. And I told him that he better not hurt B. That’s it.” Soobin says, explaining the gist of their conversation.

“That’s, wow, that’s a lot to unpack.” Taehyun says, trying to absorb everything. “I think you do have a point about it being Yeonjun’s fault that Rose kissed him, he should’ve known and just stayed away from her instead of letting something like that happen. But don’t you think that calling him a cheater was a little bit harsh?”

Soobin shakes his head, looking tired. “Maybe, but it’s how I see it. First, he admits that he still feels a spark when he was with his ex, then he spends a big chunk of the night with her, then he ends up being kissed by her? All while his girlfriend is crying her eyes out just from the mere sight of them together? I don’t know about you, but for me, as long as you have feelings for someone, especially for your ex, while you’re currently in a relationship, it feels like cheating to me.” he explains. “And seeing B like that, I just… I don’t want to see her that hurt ever again.”

Taehyun nods. “When you put it like that, Yeonjun definitely sounds guilty. And I have to agree that seeing B like that really just makes the whole Yeonjun and Rose thing a lot worse.” he says. “But B doesn’t seem to be bothered or anything. She looks very happy.”

Soobin nods. “Exactly. And you wanna know why? It’s cause she doesn’t know anything. She doesn’t remember seeing Yeonjun and Rose together, she doesn’t remember being absolutely heartbroken over seeing Yeonjun and Rose together, and she doesn’t know that Yeonjun and Rose kissed. Yeonjun didn’t tell her.”

“Are you serious?” Taehyun says, his tone still calm. This was one reason why Soobin enjoyed talking to Taehyun, he was always so calm, empathetic, non-judgmental, and logical. He felt like he could talk to him about anything without worry and he’d listen or give great advice if you needed it. “Yeonjun didn’t tell her anything?”

“Well, she mentioned that Yeonjun told her about seeing his ex at the club and he told her that he’d never see her again if it made B uncomfortable, but that’s about it.” Soobin says. “He didn’t tell her about the kiss, and it’s either because he didn’t want to, or…”

“…or he doesn’t remember it.” Taehyun finishes. “Have you talked to Yeonjun about it?”

Soobin shakes his head. “I’m finally taking your advice and keeping myself as far away from their relationship as possible. Heck, I was determined not to speak to either of them anymore, until B started talking to me in our Creative Writing class while Yeonjun was absent. And of course, I’m stuck with her as my partner for the rest of the term.” he sighs. “But I don’t know how I can survive this, I don’t think I can stand to talk to her and smile at her after seeing her so heartbroken over something she doesn’t even remember, after seeing Yeonjun kiss Rose and her not knowing about it. I don’t know what to do.”

“That’s definitely a tough one, Choi.” Taehyun remarks, taking a moment to think it over. “Okay, I’m going to assume that Yeonjun isn’t a complete jerk and that he didn’t tell B about the kiss because he didn’t remember it. Is Yeonjun still in the wrong? Yes, because he put himself in a situation with his ex. But is it a problem? For now, no. Because neither of them know about it, neither of them are currently affected by it. It will become a problem if B finds out about it from someone else, or if Yeonjun remembers the kiss and doesn’t tell her about it.”

“So what are you saying? That there’s no problem here?” Soobin asks, surprised by Taehyun’s verdict.

“Oh, there’s definitely a problem, but I’m just saying that right now, that problem is dormant since neither of them know about it. I’m saying that there’s nothing to deal with yet, since the problem is still dormant.” Taehyun says. “For now, they’re basically living the whole ignorance is bliss thing. Assuming that Yeonjun doesn’t remember, neither of them know about the kiss, therefore it isn’t a problem.”

“So basically it’ll only be a problem if B somehow finds out about it or if Yeonjun remembers it?” Soobin asks.

Taehyun nods. “Correct. If Yeonjun does end up remembering it, the problem will depend on whether or not he tells B about it.”

“So what am I supposed to do? I remember it, I know about it, I saw it, I saw everything. I don’t know what to do.” Soobin says, looking as confused as ever.

“Soobin, if I were you, I’d just sit this one out. It’s gonna be hard, but for now, you’re just gonna have to pretend that the problem doesn’t exist. If you tell either of them what you saw that night, it could only cause bigger problems. My advice for you remains the same, just try to keep yourself as far away from their relationship as possible. That doesn’t mean that you should avoid them, just be their friend but draw the line when it comes to their relationship.” Taehyun says.

“So I just pretend that I know nothing. Got it.” Soobin says, nodding once for covering his face with his hands and letting out a loud groan.

“Are you good now? Come on, we better get back or they’ll start wondering what’s taking us so long.” Taehyun asks.

“Wait, you haven’t told me about what happened to you last Saturday night. You said you kissed your crush! Who is it? How did it happen?” Soobin exclaims, suddenly remembering.

Taehyun laughs. “Maybe another time, Soobin.” he says with a mischievous smile, unlocking the door before leading the way out of the pantry, through the kitchen, and back to the table.

•°•

“Alright, I have to be home in 15 minutes and I still have to drop by B’s place to pick up my stuff, so we have to go now or else Lea will kill me!” Kai exclaims, seeing the text from his older sister.

B laughs, patting him on the back. “Alright, let’s get going then! Lucky for you, I live right across the street.” she says teasingly. “Tyunnie, you wanna walk home with us?”

Taehyun smiles but shakes his head. “No, I have to stay and help clean up today. You guys go ahead and be safe.” he politely declines.

Kai shrugs. “Alright, you be safe too. See you tomorrow!” he says, grabbing B’s arm and practically dragging her along with him as he rushes out of the café.

“I should probably go too, I’ve got a lot of homework to do. Whoever said that senior year would be a breeze was full of shit.” Soobin groans, looking through the checklist of tasks he had on his phone. “Gyu, you need a ride? I can drop you off along the way.” he offers.

Beomgyu shakes his head. “Nah, I’m good. I’ve got a quiz tomorrow, so I think I’ll just stay here and study for a bit.” he says, taking out some notebooks and pens from his school bag and laying them down on the table.

“Wow, I never knew you actually studied.” Soobin remarks, causing Beomgyu to snort. “Good luck with that then, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” he says, waving goodbye to Taehyun and Beomgyu.

For a while, the 2 of them sit alone at the table in silence. Beomgyu was reading through his notes, highlighting a few things along the way, while Taehyun sat across him, finishing up his 3rd glass of lemonade. As Taehyun’s glass becomes empty, he stands up and takes the glass with him. As he’s about to walk away from the table, he’s surprised when he feels someone grab his free hand, stopping him in his place.

He looks back and sees Beomgyu looking at him, his notes sprawled across the table, a sentence remained half highlighted as if Beomgyu stopped midway just to grab Taehyun’s hand before he left.

Which was exactly what he did.

“Yes?” Taehyun asks, turning to face the boy.

Beomgyu looks nervous for a moment, like he was doubting himself and as if he were starting to regret grabbing Taehyun’s hand, but then he takes a deep breath and says “Wait. Don’t go.”

“Why? I’m right here.” Taehyun says, raising a brow.

“I just—” Beomgyu starts, his breathe shaking as he looks down at his hand holding Taehyun’s before looking up at him again. “I think we need to talk.”

“About what?” Taehyun asks, even though he knew exactly what he meant.

“About last Saturday night.” Beomgyu says, his eyes closing as the memory crosses his mind for the millionth time. “About our kiss.”

Taehyun sighs. “Look, I already said it’s fine, you panicked and kissed me on the lips, it was just a stupid game, it was nothing.”

“You know that’s not the kiss I was talking about.” Beomgyu says, a different kiss on his mind. He remembered standing by the bar with Taehyun after game ended, laughing and apologizing about how he had panicked and kissed him on the lips. He remembered Taehyun telling him that it was fine and that there was no need for him to apologize. “And I didn’t panic.” He remembered taking a couple of shots with him, and they asked each other a question every time they took a shot. He remembered asking Taehyun if he minded that Beomgyu had kissed him on the lips, and he said no. He remembered Taehyun asking him if he wouldn’t mind doing it again, and he said no.

“I wouldn’t mind at all.”

“So go ahead and kiss me, Choi.”

He remembered downing another shot and saying “Oh, what the hell.” Before taking Taehyun’s face in his hands for the second time that night, looking deep into his eyes to see if he really wanted it, before leaning in and letting their lips touch once again.

“So, you wanna talk about it?” Beomgyu asks, the memory playing in his mind over and over again.

Taehyun smiles, his heart melting at how unusually vulnerable the usually confident Beomgyu looked. “Alright.” he says, bending down to take a seat at the table, not letting go of his hand. “Let’s talk.”

•°•

Author’s note:

I know it’s a little late :c and I’m sorry cause I’ll be a lot busier these days bc life is suddenly moving again :c but :c Happy Yeonjun day!

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serensama · 4 years ago

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To Release #3

Jaehee needs to let MC go.

Years ago, I had asked the amazing @promiscuous-jalapeno to write a HC for me when I was too scared to write my own and she did an amazing job- tore me right up it did. I asked her shortly thereafter if she minded if I tried to do it and she was kind enough to encourage me. Nearly 4 years and I’ve finally done it.

Trigger warnings: Character death, mentions of blood and aneurysm.

This is for my friend, my sister- Susana. I don’t know how to let you go. But one day I will. And one day I will see you again. Rest well until then dear one.

This is for my baby, my puppy Meiko- run free my little one. I know you’ll be waiting for me too. Keep Susana company and keep her safe until we catch up, okay? Good Boy.

- It was just a routine check-up.

- It was the bane of her existence so of course she delayed it as far as possible because she hated doing it.

- But Jaehee wouldn’t relent when she found out the last time she had a pap smear was over six years ago.

- In amidst all the “I can’t believe you’ve been so irresponsible” or “You have to look after yourself” and “What were you doing before you started dating me?” she didn’t fail to hear what her girlfriend was truly saying, I love you and I want you to love yourself as much as I do.

- Which, if she was being honest was half the reason she stayed away from those little metal contraptions of pain was because she loved herself… but she was arguing semantics with herself and that wouldn’t get her anywhere. Or get her girlfriend to stop prodding her to go and get it done.

- So, Jaehee stopped nagging and just booked her in for an appointment.

- MC could still remember the instant rage she felt at hearing her just make a choice for her, especially when it came to her own body. Yes she understood that Jaehee had done it coming from a place of good and only with the purest of intents- but it still pissed of her off to no end. She almost threw the dough she was kneading right in her pretty face. “Jaehee, I’m not a child-”

“Well you’re certainly acting like it.” “Urgh! Stop it! I know that I needed to get tested but I wanted to do this in my own time, with my own doctors and-”

“I booked it in with your doctor.” “That’s not the point!” “We can reschedule the appointments to later if you wish.” “Yes! I will reschedule the… wait… appointments?” “Of course, our appointments. You don’t think I would ask you to do something you’re so obviously worried alone would you?” she asked wiping the sweat on her upper lip on the back of her arm, completely focused on finishing up the cleaning of the kitchen. Jaehee waited for a moment to see if she would answer before continuing with a disbelieving shake of her head. “You know me better than that. I may have booked you in without your knowledge but I was never going to force you into going. I just wanted to kick you into action is all. Your health is important to me. “… I know.” “I love you.”

“I know.” “That and no-one else makes cinnamon rolls as good as you can.”

“Ha, damn straight they don’t.”

- At the very least when MC finally lay there ready to be examined, with her hands fisted under her ass and legs embarrassingly spread flush against the bed, she was comforted by Jaehee’s soft caresses of her shoulder and her kind, encouraging words whispered into her ear- MC knew she was not alone. A favour she fully intended to repay once her girlfriend replaced her to be the one who was prodded and poked.

- It was over within 15 minutes for the both of them.

- She didn’t even know why she had kept putting it off. Yes it was awkward and uncomfortable but for the peace of mind it gave to Jaehee and the irreplaceable smile it drew upon her face, she’d do it again in a heartbeat. Well. In the next three years at least.

- Life went much back to normal, day in and out at the coffee shop and then back home with her… she couldn’t ask for much more than that.

- She had all but forgotten about the test until she got a call three days later. She remembered her doctor’s voice on the other line asking if she wanted to come in and the instead dread that filled her veins at her tone. Why would they call if it was all normal? Why would they ask to speak face to face if it wasn’t serious? MC couldn’t recall exactly what she said but she knew it was in the lines of “just put me out of my misery.”

- But she couldn’t.

- She said they results were inconclusive and abnormal results didn’t necessarily mean the worst, however further testing needed to be done.

- Fine. More horrible tests. She could deal with that. She could. It was going to be fine.

- MC had delayed telling Jaehee, she didn’t know how to tell her. Whenever she rehearsed it in her head it always sounded like she was already saying her goodbyes and the last thing she wanted was to give her a coronary because she misspoke.

- It was only until the night before her next scheduled test that she finally gave in and told her. Just blurting it out without any preamble because no matter how she said it, her fear coloured her words.

- Jaehee… took it very well.

- Surprisingly well.

- She sat there for a couple of minutes, eyes fluttering for a moment before blinking rapidly, as if her brain was catching up and processing everything MC had just said to her. “So… at the moment they aren’t sure what it is and need to do further tests to make sure they can treat whatever it is you may have properly, is that correct?” she asked clasping her hands together in a way that reminded MC of Jumin after Saeyoung and Yoosung had just told him that they took Elizabeth the Third to the wrong groomers and they had shaved off all her fur bar her head and tail- like he was trying to figure out how to fix their mistake but also find a way to kick their asses. Jaehee may not want to kick her ass but it was as if she was attempting to already plan how to fix this all for her… and most likely disappointed in her for not telling her sooner. “I’m sorry okay?” MC sulked, pressing her palms against the top of her thighs, fingers scrunched in the fabric of her dress. “I know I messed up by not telling you sooner I just… I didn’t know how to. I don’t even know what to think at the moment.”

- Jaehee reached over, her dainty fingers curling around her own and giving them a reassuring squeeze. MC peered up from her lap and into her partner’s large eyes and returned her tentative smile. “Don’t apologise, I get it. I totally do. I’m not mad. You didn’t mess up- I just want to make sure I have all the details I need to help you. I’m coming to this a little later than you so I’m catching up and-” “Planning?” “Ah… yes. Yes I guess I am. Take the girl out of the Assistant role, but you can’t take the Assistant out of the girl.”

- MC could understand that. Everyone reacted things differently and if Jaehee needed to gather information and plan for all possible contingencies then she would not deny her that. Herself- she much preferred to wallow and stress because that was all she could do.

- Physical exam, Biopsy, Biopsy, Bloods and Physical exam, Imaging…

- She was really getting over seeing her doctors and sitting in waiting rooms. Getting real sick of Jaehee calling off sick with her to sit with her at every appointment and asking all the questions she should be asking herself.

- It was two weeks later after all the tests had come back, her hand in Jaehee’s, sat in two worn and uncomfortable armchairs that she received the news she had been dreading to hear. Stage 3. Spread to lymph nodes. Was Asymptomatic. Aggressive treatment for aggressive growth. Immediately. Shit. Shit.

- She could feel the squeeze of Jaehee’s hand tighten with each moment that passed. MC glanced to the side to see a calm veneer painted upon her girlfriend’s face as she nodded along with whatever the doctor was saying, interjecting whenever appropriate to ask more questions or to clarify something she may have misunderstood.

- MC on the other hand could barely talk, she believed she may have thanked the doctor and agreed to seeing them for a follow up and to start their treatment regime. She remembered picking up her bag and apologising to someone she ran into getting off the elevator. Recalled the feel of the cheap leather on the backseat of the taxi under her hands as she slid herself over to make room for Jaehee.

- After moments of silence, Jaehee cleared her throat and looked out the window. “Um.. what did you want for lunch?”

- And then she cried. Cried for her anxiety and her fear, cried for her frustration and her exhaustion, cried for herself and for Jaehee. She didn’t care that the driver kept looking up in his rear-view mirror to gawk at the sobbing mess she had become; all she could handle was the immense weight of what she was to face and the feel of her girlfriend’s hand slip into her own, the familiar feeling loosening up the shackles that were constricting her chest just that little bit. It was her turn to squeeze Jaehee’s hand.

- Being at hospital sucked. Like… s u c k e d.

- She hated that her friends couldn’t see her because they were afraid she’d get sicker and that Jaehee was taking even more time away from work to be with her. She was tired all the time and the room wouldn’t stop spinning, food tasted funny and she was just bored. MC was so used to running around from dawn till dusk, she was always talking to people and baking and laughing and… God, when was the last time she really laughed?

- … When was the last time Jaehee had laughed?

- She was always so calm and understanding it wanted to make her scream sometimes. But she kept quiet because… she just didn’t have any words.

- The surgery and first course of treatment went well enough that the doctors were happy for her to leave. Even though she was being wheeled out, it felt like she was dancing. She was never so happy to see the crowded streets and being stuck in a traffic jam. It was so much better than sitting in a hospital bed feeling sorry for herself.

- It was also better than watching Jaehee pouring over different journals and websites to better prepare of what may come in regards to her illness and other treatments which could help progress her rehabilitation. Or so she thought it would be, if the woman ever stopped.

- Jaehee was no longer working, putting more and more responsibility on the assistant manager than she should have been. No more.

- “Jaehee?” she called out from the sofa to her at the dining table, the woman looking so tiny amongst all the books that were open and the loose pieces of paper strewn about everywhere with her scribbled notes. Jaehee pushed up her glasses, something she hadn’t worn in the longest time and turned to face her. “Can we go to the coffee shop please? I’m really over just staying here doing nothing but watching daytime soaps. I can literally feel my brain rotting.”

Jaehee frowned and sat up, wincing as she stretched out the knotted muscles of her lower back and craning her neck side to side, loud cracks resounding in the air. “MC,” she began, the disapproval in her tone more than evident. “I don’t think that’s a great idea, you’re stabilised sure, but why should we take more risks than necessary?” she posed as she spun her body to completely face her.

- MC took in the sight of her. Hair pulled back into a messy bun, fingerprints all over the lenses on her glasses; clothes rumpled with a coffee stain down her front from where she accidentally spilled it on herself earlier that morning as she multi-tasked between balancing the shop’s books and researching if there were any homeopathic remedies that would help with her aches and pains to work alongside her prescribed drugs. Jaehee was burning herself out and if she didn’t take care of herself soon, the next time they’d be in hospital would be for her and there was no way she’d allow Jaehee to get that sick and drained ever again. She made that promise when she first joined the RFA and not this illness- not even Jaehee herself- would make her break her promise.

- “You took a risk on me and that paid off. You took a risk on the business with me… and that’s paid off… can’t you trust me about this again? It’s barely a risk at all. Just me in the corner with a book as you work.” She could see Jaehee’s resolve weaken as she gave her the best rendition of puppy eyes she could muster. Her beleaguered girlfriend pulled off her glasses and untied her hair, running her fingers through them as she let out a long, deep groan. “You’ll be the death of me, you know that right?” she grinned, the mirth not quite reaching her sleep deprived eyes.

- It took a while but they both learned how to adjust to their new normal. It took a little bit longer to get ready each day, making sure they had the right concoction of pills to last her until they made it back home and packing things like blankets, extra pillows or scarves to ensure her comfort at their cafe.

- MC had tried multiple spots within their quaint little shop, however trying to find a location that was both comfortable and in the direct line of vision of her lovely girlfriend proved difficult. This chair was too hard. That chair too soft. This chair she couldn’t see Jaehee except for a tuft of hair- until finally, on their fifth day and a lot of back pain later, she sat in the large wingback chair by the window, just to the left of the register. Jaehee would began to place a reserved sign there so no one could take the seat away from her beloved MC.

- Jaehee was grateful that they could spend time together like this, even if it meant just stealing looks at MC every so often whenever she got the chance. At night they would come home and curl up on the couch, both wrapped up in a quilt with a cup of tea in their hands as they watched whatever movie played on the TV. It didn’t matter because she never paid attention to it, she focused on the feel of the woman’s body beside her.

- Because it felt right to have her next to her.

- Because it felt right to hear her muted laughter, or how she sometimes slurped her tea near the end of the cup or just to hear the breath go in and out of her.

- … and because she knew all those things were beginning to fade.

- Although she had not succumbed to any of the viruses that had been around during the winter season, she grew more lethargic, her once healthy body slowly diminishing in size and strength; the beat of her heart strained under the hand she pressed against her sleeping girlfriend’s chest at night to make sure she was still with her.

- She had done that every night since they received the diagnosis. Every night.

- But she held it together, she had to. She had to do it for MC, to show her that she didn’t have to worry about anything besides getting better. It didn’t matter if she was being torn apart inside, or if she was falling behind in her work at the shop, that she never slept anymore or wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and pretend this was just one long nightmare. It was for MC. She had to keep it together for MC.

- She had gotten worse. There was… it had spread too much… too aggressive… too fast. It was all too much and again, MC accepted it all, no words to say.

- That was when Jaehee decided upon the only correct plan moving forward.

- She spoke to Jumin. He had agreed to buy the shop from her on the proviso that when MC was better that she buy it back from him and continue on as per normal.

- That night, at home with a tub of ice cream, sitting alone on the floor of her living room did she allow herself a moment of weakness. From one tear free-falling from her eye to another, she allowed them to pool into the melting confection resting between her thighs. She had tried her best to stem the flow, reminding herself of the responsibilities she had and not to wallow but now that she allowed the dam of emotions open there was no stopping it. Jaehee bit down on her bottom lip and muffled cries eked through her teeth, racking breaths rattling through her chest as she dug the heels of her palms into her eyes- praying for her treacherous eyes to stop, just stop. Please.

- … Someone.

- Please make this all stop.

- Jaehee had fallen asleep slumped over the coffee table, eyes sore and face puffy from crying and one hand sticky from having been submerged in thawed ice cream for half the night.

- That was how MC found her, comforter wrapped around her like an adorable sleepy handroll. “Baby, did you sleep here all night? Is everything alright?” she asked her, the concern plain on her face. Jaehee fought with herself to not let her thoughts transfer to her expression, of course nothing was alright, it hadn’t been alright for a long time. However Jaehee was a fighter and so was MC, she would not admit defeat just yet.

“Oh yes, just a harder day at work than normal yesterday,” she lied as she slowly moved her way to stand up. MC grimaced at Jaehee’s sluggish and pained movements. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to come in yesterday and if that made you worry more. I’m much better today, I can go in-”

“That won’t be necessary we’re both staying home,” she replied matter-of-factly, side stepping around MC as she made her way to the kitchen to clean herself up. She heard the soft shuffles of MC’s feet patter behind her as well as a sound of confusion bubble within her throat. “Huh? What? No it’s fine, let me just clean up and we can go-” “We’re not. I sold the cafe.”

- MC nearly fell down at the revelation. “You what?” she asked, sleep hoarse voice breaking as she leaned against the wall for support, not trusting her knees to keep her standing. Jaehee wiped her hands on a nearby dish towel and sighed, not really in the mood to discuss anything without having caffeine in her body. “I sold the shop to Jumin. This way I can stay home with you and we can go to the all the doctors’ appointments together and try to figure this thing out step by step.” Jaehee flicked on the kettle and began preparing two cups, far too tired to brew anything so she reached for the instant coffee. “Jaehee-”

“Mm?”

“Stop.” “You don’t want coffee? Prefer tea?” “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” “I don’t understand-” “You need to get the cafe back from Jumin,” MC replied with more life in her voice than she had had for the last couple of weeks. Jaehee put down the teaspoon and braced herself against the countertop, head pressed against the cabinets lined along the wall. “You can’t stop living just because-” “Because you’re dying?” she yelled, not able to tear her eyes away from the spot on the wall. “I can’t change anything because you’ve resigned yourself to this without even a word for me? For yourself? How can you act like any of this isn’t driving you insane?! How can you stand there and just ask me to not do everything I can-”

- MC stepped forward and opened her arms, encompassing Jaehee into her quilt covered embrace, her arms holding her as tightly as she was able. “I know… I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t have the words. That I have nothing to say about what is happening to me. I’m sorry that I left you to speak and ask and do everything for me and also expect you to think of yourself,” she pulled away to see Jaehee’s with misty eyes and cheeks splattered with red. Delicately placing a hand against her cheek, MC pressed a faint kiss to the tip of her nose and breathed in time with her. “I know you’re busy looking out for me… let me… while I still can… let me look out for you.”

- The shop was back in Jaehee’s name within the day.

- As difficult as it was, MC managed to make it into work with Jaehee. Even as the days passed and she grew weaker, she still mustered the strength to smile at everyone who would stop and talk to her. She would ask for the gossip from regulars who she had learned so much about over the years. Jaehee would take frequent breaks to check up on her and to ask if she needed anything. MC would always just smile and ask for a new book from the stack their staff would always add to. Her heart full whenever their employees would come up at the start of the day and drop off another non-descript book for her to read or doodle over.

- Some days were good, some days were… not good.

- More and more often Jaehee would look over from serving a customer and MC was fast asleep, clutching a book to her like a child with their teddy.

- Every passing day it took so much more out of her to get to her chair, to drink her coffee, to turn a page… to smile. To hide her pain. There were days she was so heavily medicated that Jaehee had begged for her to go back home or ‘for God’s sake please let me take you to the hospital!’

- MC would always snap out of it enough to shake her head and reply, “Sorry Jaehee, I’m up to a really good part of the story. I need to finish it.”

- Then one day she didn’t.

- She had closed up shop, luckily it was a quiet day so she made the executive decision to finish up early. “Don’t worry baby, I’ll be just a minute.” She was wiping down the last table just beside MC and looked over with a tired smile on her face, to see MC sleeping soundly- with her latest book on the ground. Jaehee could feel her heart leap up in the base of her throat, her breath stolen away in an instant. Slowly but steadily she walked over to MC, deliberately clicking her heels loudly against the floor to wake her. When she reached her chair she let her hand hover over her face to see if she could feel her warm breath against her palm. She pressed her cheek. Shook at her- her body completely limp as it sank against the armrest.

- Jaehee plummeted to her knees and dove into MC’s lap, the woman screaming into it as she allowed herself to cry, praying that her girlfriend would come back and lay her hands atop her head and run her fingers through her hair. To touch her, hold her, god damn it just- anything. Wiping her face against the blanket that rested upon MC’s legs, Jaehee hiccoughed and spluttered, not caring if any passer-by happened to see her on the floor in tears. She swiped at her face haphazardly, knowing that her skin would be red and irritated from her lack of care. Fighting to regain her breath that continued to elude her, lungs burning, eyes stinging, heart cold.

- On her hands and knees she moved to pick up the fallen book from the ground, eyes scanning for a title to see what were the last words that may have graced her consciousness.

“… I’m sorry I’ve left it to these pages Jaehee, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to say the words when you needed them. I may not have them still... but maybe you can find them now- somewhere in these last few diaries I have written for you. My thoughts. My fears. My dreams. My love for you.. Every hope. Every wish, It’s all here and all for you. The greatest part of my story. I love you.”

- Jaehee squeezed her eyes shut and wailed, her cries filling the largely empty space, echoing back to her. Sitting back onto her haunches she tried to steady herself as best as she could, clutching the book to her chest like she had seen MC do countless of times. Perhaps if she held it hard enough, it would start to resemble the way it felt to hold her- and if she pushed the realms of her imagination- the way it felt to be held.

- Jaehee couldn’t bring herself to read any of the 4 diaries MC had written. She couldn’t. She knew that MC meant them to be comforting, maybe even assist her in moving on- but she didn’t want to comforted, she didn’t want to move on. She had cordoned off MC’s chair and table, with a permanent ‘reserved’ sign to ensure no one would be able to sit where only she belonged. There, perched upon the table in a neat pile, were the books; gathering dust in between the weekly dusting that one of the staff members were tasked to do.

- That was until half a year later, when one of the regular’s children had slipped under the velvet rope and sat in the chair, the young girl picking up on of MC’s books and tried to read her beautiful, looping script. Jaehee had briefly looked up and had to double take, not even realising she had screamed out; scaring the child who shoved the book back into the pile of books frantically trying her best to not earn more of the “coffee-lady’s” ire. Her panicked efforts resulted in all the books falling to the ground- the loud thuds only punctuating the already silenced café.

The mother apologised to Jaehee feverishly, she had been speaking to her friend and didn’t realise that her daughter had wandered off- didn’t know the girl had gone to the place she had once spent so much time with MC just months before.

- Jaehee pinched the sides of her nose and waved off the apology, bending down to apologise for frightening the little girl who had helped to bring joy to her girlfriend’s last months. Even though her nerves were frazzled, she knew that MC would be clucking her tongue disapprovingly at her, something that oddly enough made her smile. She had been doing that more often lately. Smiling at something MC had said or done instead of collapsing into a despairing heap.

- Jaehee ran her hands along the arm of the chair and whispered her hellos and her apologies for letting someone disturb her spot before picking up the books off the ground. She went to reach for the last book which dropped open to a random page, the paper slightly crinkled from the fall. She could feel the tell-tale pin pricks in her nose and the corners of her eyes as her fingers cradled the back of its spine, balancing precariously on the curve of her fingers.

- There on the top of the page was the recipe for her famous cinnamon rolls, something Jaehee had tried her best to replicate again and again when her lover was alive to no avail. No one made them better than MC. Jaehee sniffed as she found herself sitting into the long abandoned chair as she tearfully read the secrets MC had left for her on the page. The brunette paused to see a small note in the corner: “The reason mine were better was because I always made them for you. Now please, keep making them for me.”

- Jaehee wiped the last remnants of her tears from her face and then nodded to herself. Moving to the kitchens she washed her hands and wrapped MC’s apron around her waist. Taking in a deep breath, she pushed up her sleeves and got to work.

#mystic messenger #mysme fanfic #jaehee x mc #angst #mysme headcanon #mysmes

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celestines · 5 years ago

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have you seen JUNG SOMI around campus ? i hear they’re a SECOND YEAR , SUMMER witch with a specialty in FORTUNE TELLING . i almost never see them without their FENNEC FOX . if they ever want to be a FORTUNE TELLER someday they should ease up on being OVERSENSITIVE & POSSESSIVE . at least you can say they’re ANIMATED & LOYAL , too .

hello angels ! im xan and im late as usual but that’s just the way it is … 😔 im 22 , from the est timezone & i go by she / her pronouns ! i truly … never know what im doing with intros they just turn out super long & messy so aha … are u ready for this ? here is intro number one out of two baby ! 😋

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ QUICK STATS !

full name : jung somi .

nickname(s) : mimi .

zodiac : leo sun , sagittarius moon ( click ! )

sexuality : bisexual .

alignment : chaotic good .

pinterest : ( tba ! )

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ BACKSTORY !

she was an accidental pregnancy , born shortly after the marriage of her parents , but they were far from mad about it . her father was a well regarded summer warlock , a famous entertainer known for his long and successful career in the spotlight with his sister , a man who’d been the object of many summer witches’ affections . it was a shock to everyone when he retired from show business to settle down with his old academy sweetheart , a soft spoken spring witch with a passion for healing .

somi’s father was delighted that their first born was a summer witch , but her mother intended to raise all their children with a blend of beliefs from both the spring and summer covens , and that’s exactly what they did . since her father had been a famous entertainer , his social circle extended far beyond just the summer coven . although it was obvious he had pride as most summer witches and warlocks do , he was never the type to discriminate even against those from the winter covens , a habit he learned from his wife .

somi was their only child for the first half of her life ( as her parents were relatively young when they’d had her ) . because of this she was spoiled by the excited new parents , attention and support never lacking at home . she was raised to believe she could do whatever she put her mind to , no matter how big those dreams were .

however , once she entered her teenage years and her baby fat was gone , and she could no longer rely on being “ that cute and friendly girl ” to get her where she wanted to go , things got a little harder . she had no problem with confidence , but motivation was not one of her strong suits , unintentionally growing up with the mentality that things would just magically fall into place if she wanted them hard enough .

this was also around the time her parents had their second baby , a boy born in the spring . naturally he became the object of her parent’s attention which only made somi feel more lost , like maybe she wasn’t as special or important as her parents had made her feel . but when her parents had another child a little over a year later , another summer witch , somi realized it was pretty dumb to be jealous of babies , and that it would be better if she focused her time on becoming the type of older sister her siblings could eventually look up to !

once she started at arcane somi vowed she’d take her studies more seriously and not get too distracted by her social life . while her talent for fortune telling had manifested pretty early on in her life , and while she was good at it , she would be lying if she said she was interested in studying it in a scholarly way . ( she has way more fun sneaking off the island with her best friend and fortune telling for humans for some quick cash ) . still , she’s trying her best to keep her grades up , all the while making sure she doesn’t miss out on a single party ... and boy are there lots of parties ...

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ PERSONALITY + TIDBITS !

she’s a leo and it shows JWDBJWDBJWDW full of energy and confidence at almost all times so it’s pretty easy to tell when she’s upset because she’ll finally be quiet . a big social butterfly with no real opinions about house rivalries , BUT she’s super proud to be a summer witch so if you try to put her down because of it that’s when she’d be upset /:

she might be the oldest sibling in her family but that definitely doesn’t show . has big i’m baby energy and is quite literally the embodiment of this emoji 🥺 at all times but especially when she’s trying to get out of trouble .

blindingly loyal to her friends and the people she loves to the point where if they murdered someone she would wholeheartedly believe they were right in doing so . friendships are very important to her and so is getting back the energy she gives out . she’s the type to drop anything to help a friend in need !

struggles a lot with acting out when she feels neglected or like someone doesn’t care about her as much as she thought . usually it’s short lived dramatic bursts of anger , and she might give you the silent treatment for an hour or two before finally confessing how she’s feeling ( and yes , asking you for reassurance ) .

she can also be a little possessive at times both platonically and romatically . absolutely loves the thought of being everyone’s favorite person but she’s also aware it’s highly unrealistic </3 still , that won’t stop her from being a little dramatic about it ... as a treat .

she has a huge heart 😌 and it would be easy to just cast her off as a softie because in lots of ways she is one . eliciting real anger from somi is pretty rare , but hurting someone she cares about is the quickest way to get you there . she’s 100% the type to not like someone because one of her friends has a problem with them which can sometimes be hard considering she’s also the type to try and be everyone’s friend ... it’s complicated 😭

she hates bullies 😡 will threaten to fight them despite having no combat skills .

her love life is also complicated ... she gets crushes super easily and her infatuations are always super consuming , like she swears she’s gonna marry the person consuming , but her attention is always broken by someone else so they never last . she wants to find her true love at the academy the way her parents found each other 🥺 she’s a romantic and proud <3

gets grumpy when she’s hungry

her familiar is a fennec fox named pancake and they’re the best of friends except when somi is acting up JDBWJDBWJDW

she’s in the art club ! originally joined because she thought she could be a muse and sit in the middle of a circle and have everyone paint her ... but she stayed because she really does love art !

so lazy and she says she’s trying but she’s probably rotated through at least 3 different tutors because they couldn’t stand it /: she just thinks the classroom isn’t the right place for her and that’s ok

will tell you your fortune even if you didn’t ask ... it’s her party trick she’s still going strong

nothing good happens when she drinks . is a lightweight AND a chaotic drunk but it’s pretty fun to watch

has a lot of respect for anyone older than her in grades above her UNLESS they use their seniority to be assholes , then she’ll no longer look up to them </3

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ WANTED CONNECTIONS ! ( all open to all genders )

tutors ! past failed ones who tried to help her out & maybe a current one whose patience she’s testing SJDBJWDBJWW

someone she defended once and ever since then she keeps asking them if there’s someone they need her to fight even though they literally did not ask and they both know somi would lose

unlikely friendships ! maybe your muse usually steers clear of summer witches , or maybe your muse and somi just have opposite personalities , either way they became friends despite their differences

maybe an ex or two . their relationship would have been short lived despite how into it somi seemed . maybe they’re still kinda resentful about it , or maybe they feel as if they dodged a bullet . or maybe an ex that dumped somi before she could dump them and she hasn’t been able to let it go

current infatuations ! her list of crushes is ridiculously long , but there would be a handful of people who have surpassed crush status and she’s full on head over heels for . i feel like this would work really well with 3rd or 4th year witches since somi already tends to idolize them , but it definitely isn’t exclusive to older witches ! maybe they have no idea how she feels ( although she makes it obvious ) , maybe they pretend not to notice to tease her , maybe they try and use her feelings to their advantage , or maybe they just think it’s cute the possibilities are endless hehe

second years she can bond with 🥺 maybe a first year she’s taken under her wing despite only being grade above them and acts like she’s showing them the ropes SJDBWJDBWJDW but they’re realizing her best places to nap and not get caught tour won’t really help them ...

people who only really know her from parties ! maybe they don’t really hang out outside of parties so it’s kind of awkward when they bump into each other , but as soon as they’re in a setting with alcohol it’s all good again

sibling like friendships ! i would definitely love some older sibling figures in her life since she’s never had one 🥺

people who were big fans of her dad JWDBWJBDWJ since he was well known i think it would be funny to have people know her because of him and even more funny to have them be fans because somi would pretend to be grossed out if they ever tried to tell her how awesome they think he is </3

enemies (:< she tries not to have any , but she’s bound to butt heads with people . she can definitely be a lot ... maybe it’s a personality thing , or a we have different values thing , or maybe there was an unfortunate incident where your muse stole somi’s favorite pen then lied about it to her face and to this day they are her sworn nemesis because of it ...

a sub point to the enemies ... JDWJDBWJD i think it would be so funny to have someone she started out as enemies with but who she’s starting to realize she might actually have a lot in common with and actually get along with but they both try to deny it because they’re so used to hating each other although it’s clearly not the case anymore

i wont lie to u this got longer than i thought it would 😭😭😭 im sosososo sorry for the length … also i feel like my charas always change a lil once i actually start plotting & writing so sorry again if u see me finally writing as somi on the dash and ur like literally who is that … JSDBWJBDWBDJ PLEASE come message me on discord to plot ! if u prefer im’s that’s perfectly ok too im just warning u now it’s gonna be a much slower process so if u want speedier replies … u can message me @ glo lovecore ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ#8172 maybe … give this a like if u wanna … plot hehehe thank u for reading all this im sorry again ur so brave for making it x

#aa:intro #╰ ♡ . 𝒊 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒊 𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒔𝒆𝒆 ── ooc !

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jewpacabruhs · 5 years ago

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bruv im still jus. wow. theres so much to say but. do u kno how good it feels... to be jewish, to accidentally fixate on one eric cartman & love him more than any other fictional character for almost seven years now, and then to see him in a little yarmulke, standing at kyle's side while he recites from the torah? do you know how validating that is?

i gotta get personal for a second here. idk how, but in the last few yrs my relationship with my own jewishness has been deeply influenced and intertwined with south park, as ironic and ridiculous as that sounds. i grew up secular, completely nonpracticing; as a child, i was only ethnically jewish, and saw jews as strictly an ethnicity, and a popularly hated one to boot. and it scared me. ive talked about it before, but as a child hearing about the shoah and about antisemitism, i couldn't understand. i thought it was looks for a while, which confused me, because ive got blonde hair and blue eyes and all my family that got caught up in nazi europe did/do too. i remember thinking as a second grader that i would've been spared for that reason; why didn't a good chunk of my family? but i grew up in a mormon neighborhood, with plenty of other blonde kids, and they stayed away from me like i had a disease. this was before puberty, before my hair got a little frizzier and my nose got a little bigger, when i looked just like any of them. but already, at age 8, i was an outsider. i wasn't one of them and i never would be, and they wanted me to know that.

and then i started to get it. it clicked even more once i got to high school and got called a kike every other day - but prior to high school, you know what i found, and you know what really pushed me towards understanding what being a secular jew in america meant? south park. and as a dumb little sixth grader with no critical thinking skills, you know what shaped my opinions on my own people? south park.

and that's good and bad. good because i do sincerely think kyle broflovski is excellent fictional representation for jewish people, maybe one of the top few ever shown on television. he gets on my nerves at times, but he's good through and through, he's well written and multi-dimensional, he's not a walking stereotype but he still has prominent jewish features that jewish viewers can look at and see in themselves, his morals and viewpoints and beliefs are obviously deeply influenced by judaism, hes deeply proud of his heritage and culture... and that all means a lot to me. and by the amount of jewish sp fans that adore kyle, it means a lot to them too.

the bad thing is, yeah, i can't deny it, during older seasons, cartman's treatment of kyle probably taught a lot of young and dumb viewers how to view jews in real life. have i, as a kyman shipper and cartman stan, justified that within a fictional and narrative context? yes. but it doesn't change the real-world effect; south park, but specifically cartman, since he's the mouthpiece, likely did cause some easily-influenced people to pick up antisemitic beliefs. did this contribute to the rise of the alt-right? debatable, but to some extent, possibly. was that m&t's intention and should south park be canceled and denounced? fuck no, i'll always love it lol, and fuck censorship. but it is something that should be taken into account.

matt and trey clearly regret that, and understand that it's no longer acceptable or fitting or needed in today's sociopolitical climate - or, okay, maybe they don't even regret it; they just understand that when fiction becomes reality, the fictional jackass isn't necessary when there's one right there in real life, sitting in the oval office, yeah? old cartman doesn't deserve or need a voice, not when real, awful people actually have one right now. and m&t are actively trying to change cartman for the better and really, really backpedal on his bigotry, while still doing it in a way that makes sense from a story-telling perspective. it's not a complete uncharacteristic change of character; it's shifting with the times and writing it into the character's arc so that it's a logical and plausible development in cartman's story.

cartman's behavior in the last few seasons is consistent character development. m&t themselves are pushing it, and clearly it's sincere; cartman's not faking. unless they're building up a surprise twist over the last, what, three to four seasons, that he was faking the whole time! woah! if so it better be a damn good pay off, because that's a lot of time invested. though that seems more forward-thinking than sp tends to be. they're intentionally stuck in the short-term, aren't they? plot-wise. but their character development is pretty long-term, and right now, cartman is consistently decent, and if it comes across as faking, it's because cartman's over-dramatic in how he speaks, and trey does that intentionally.

that's a tonal thing, and it's hard to say in a fictional character, but as someone who struggles with empathy myself, empathy and sincerity don't go hand in hand. you can lack empathy while still caring enough to sincerely and wholeheartedly apologize for something and mean that apology. not feeling remorse doesn't mean you can't apologize genuinely; the two don't go hand in hand. you can be mentally ill in any capacity, even a psychopath, and still deeply care about things or people, just not in the way someone else might. so you can headcanon that cartman's still a psycho/sociopath, though right now that's actually kinda going against canon, but don't rain on other's parades if they're happy he's exhibiting healthy growth. besides, and i repeat: what could cartman exploit out of faking sincerity for several seasons? nothing, so why bother? he wouldn't, unless it's literal in-show subconscious growth.

does that mean he's magically developed empathy? no. is it becoming less probable he's a legitimate sociopath/psychopath (while still possibly having better-disguised antisocial tendencies)? yes. does he seem to have better coping or anger management skills? somehow, yes! he seems to be legitimately healthier. does this mean he's no longer accountable for his past misdeeds, and even his present, less-severe ones? of course not! and you can still hate him all you want, but modern cartman is not the same as older cartman, and shouldn't be treated as such. because is this growth? absolutely.

he's clearly healthier, even happier. he's less angry, he's still a little shit but he no longer relies on bigotry or cruelty or anger to get the negative attention he thrives off, rather he gravitates towards being simply annoying. you know why he called ice? pettiness, immaturity, a little bit of spite, and a need for silly revenge. he's being intentionally petty, but going about it in a sly but no longer psychopathic way. less hannibal lector and more, idk, regina george, lol. extremely different on the antagonist scale. and cartman's been both.

and maybe it's personal bias on what type of human is worse within fiction, someone unstable and bizarre with violent tendencies (which is how he's come to be viewed in pop culture & some of the fandom, as a result of eps like scott tenorman must die), versus someone inclined towards pettiness and more silent and, i dunno, social-status-and-pride-driven types of revenge (cartman in general when he's not being particularly awful, tbh)... but i think it'd be pretty universally agreed that the latter is at the very least more tolerable, manageable, and even likeable - and certainly more redeemable. let's put it this way; if cartman continued on the path he was on, he'd be one of those tiki holding fucks, wearing a confederate flag hat, and he'd treat kyle soooo much worse. instead, m&t have turned him into a hypocritical false-woke ignorant dumbass - but that's strongly less problematique than it's counterpart, and it works.

because cartman simply serves a different narrative purpose now. and that's not sloppy writing; it's well-timed evolution of a character that stepped into a pre-9/11, pre-trump, pre-social media world! so much has changed, and south park is reflecting that in its characters, most notably in a character who was stuck in the, what, 1960s with his beliefs? that was fine way back when, but matt&trey are smart dudes - they understand that sometimes things have to change. besides, they love cartman, too. he's their favorite. but they understand that when real people act like him, it's not so comedic or satirical or funny, & they don't want to look at cartman, at their creation who they've invested twenty-two years in, and see the all-too-real hate of modern radical white america.

i think we know enough about matt&trey's social stances these days, and the empathy they've seemed to develop after having kids, to understand that they're no longer in their "apathy is best, everyone is stupid" phase. current south park is left-leaning and admittedly preachy at times, but i wouldn't want it any other way. g-d knows it's better this way than if they'd embraced and decided to appeal to their right-libertarian following instead. cartman's evolved in a progressive and positive way, and it's fucking dope, especially to us cartman stans who so badly want him to be good. and he is good right! he's doing so good!

and i know im up my own ass rn but yall know how much i myself have campaigned for jewish kyman/cartman and how much i just deeply and truly adore it, and to see it actualized in a canon episode to some extent? that meant the world to me. i couldn't believe my eyes. i was tellin lai - that's the most genuine, pure, almost violent happiness ive felt in my soul in years. that was like a straight shot of serotonin to the heart. that simple little scene made me so fucken happy yall dont even know. & theres a lot to be said about the political commentary and plenty of other people are analyzing that, but im a simple jewish kyman & cartman stan and boy ive been fed good fjskfkdkdkfk!!!

#in other news #sickly jew shay had her vision white out at school today and almost fell down the stairs #my grandpa has been given a week to live #AND the anniversary of the most important person in my life's death is approaching #and i turn fucking 19 soon and i always have birthday crisises #so fucken superb!#in happier news family guy airs soon and it's unfortunately still a fixation of mine so im unjustly excited #lissen stewie's worn a yarmulke twice in fg canon and i cried then #i love cartman approximately... 50x more than stewie jus bc of longevity and. nostalgia and favoritism #i was in legitimate hysterics #sp continues to be my light at the end of the tunnel jfkskf #mine #txt #sp spoilers #theres so much here im sorry i ramble sm #i struggle w wordz and usin em ironically

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scripttorture · 6 years ago

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Sleep Deprivation

It’s really past time we talked about sleep deprivation. It’s a mainstay of modern torture and it’s been used for hundreds of years.

It’s also one of the clean (non-scarring) tortures that’s most regularly dismissed. The damage it causes is downplayed. And we often don’t even recognise it when it’s shown in fiction.

Sleep is a physiological need, like eating, drinking and breathing. Deprived of it we start to become ill and eventually die.

I’m breaking this down into sections, we’ll start with ‘normal’ sleep, talk about what sleep deprivation does to physical and mental health and then talk about how torturers deprive victims of sleep.

I’ll finish up by talking about how the long term symptoms of torture can impact sleep.

How much sleep is enough and what is normal sleep?

There is some variation in sleep patterns between individuals but if you let someone sleep for as long as they like most people sleep for around 7-9 hours a night. When we’re ill we tend to sleep more.

If you plot life expectancy against average hours of sleep a night you get a sort of U shaped graph. People who routinely sleep less then 7-9 hours a night have shorter lives and so do people who sleep more.

But there’s no evidence that sleeping too much actually causes poor health. People who sleep more on average may have underlying health conditions that shorten their lives.

And we have a lot of evidence that sleeping less causes poor health.

Sleep is divided into two types, REM and NREM sleep. That stands for Rapid Eye Movement sleep and Non Rapid Eye Movement sleep. Most people know REM sleep as dreaming sleep. Both are essential for human health.

All animals that have been tested sleep but only birds and mammals have been shown to dream. There’s also considerable variation in how long different species need to sleep for, most animals seem to need more than humans.

We sleep in cycles, chunks of time roughly an hour and a half long when we go through different stages of sleep. The initial cycles focus heavily on NREM sleep and as the night goes on we have more REM sleep, but every cycle contains a little of both.

The time of day we’re most likely to naturally fall asleep and naturally wake up varies with age in a non-linear fashion. Young children wake up early and tire early. Teenagers famously stay up late and sleep in late. The elderly wake up incredibly early and sleep incredibly early. This variation, along with individual variation, is thought to serve a protective function: humans are pack animals and varied sleep patterns within a group ensure that someone is awake most of the time in case of emergency.

It’s perfectly healthy for the time we want to go to sleep to vary, but the amount we need to sleep is more or less consistent after infancy.

Drugs, including caffeine, may effect our ability to fall asleep or our perception of how sleepy we are but they do not fulfil our need for sleep.

Keep in mind that even a character who is voluntarily depriving themselves of sleep will feel the effects. Repeated experiments have shown that we can be consciously aware we’re sleep deprived and aware of the effects of sleep deprivation but can not compensate for them.

Your character can’t get around the effects of sleep deprivation by willpower any more then a drunk can get around the effects of alcohol. Stimulants might keep them awake and raise their reaction time but they don’t effect other symptoms and may make some symptoms worse.

We need sleep after roughly sixteen hours of being awake. After that point our ability to function well starts to drop.

Effects of sleep deprivation

We’re still in the process of pinning down all the effects of sleep deprivation. Some of these effects are things we know happen but we don’t know why.

The more sleep deprived a character is the more symptoms they’d have, both physical and mental. Some of these symptoms are apparent after just one night of poor sleep (for the purposes of this post five hours sleep the previous night). I’m going to mark these early symptoms with an asterix (*) so you can easily recognise them.

Keep in mind that these effects are cumulative.

A character who gets into a pattern of not sleeping enough will get worse rather then staying at a steady level. The longer the character isn’t sleeping the more symptoms they should develop.

Physical symptoms

Shakes

Headaches*

Muscular pain

Increased blood pressure*

Reduced alertness*

Lower immune response leading to:

Increased infections

Longer recovery times

Longer reaction times*

Worse reflexes*

Lower natural testosterone levels and lower sperm counts

Abnormal menstrual cycles and lower fertility levels

Hunger*

Poor coordination*

Increased chance of accidents*

Subtle changes to physical appearance that cause a character to appear unhealthy*

Microsleeps (short periods of unconsciousness)

Psychological symptoms

Agitation

Reduced ability to interpret other people’s emotions*

Increased feelings of distrust towards other people*

Paranoia

Hallucinations

Increased chance of substance abuse

Confusion*

Memory loss*

Impaired ability to learn*

Increased risk of developing false memories

Suicidal thoughts and urges

Delirium

Markedly reduced concentration*

Consistently underestimating their level of impairment*

Impaired ability to think logically*

Increase in depressive and anxious symptoms, possibly inducing depression and anxiety

Reduced creativity*

Reduced problem solving ability*

Reduced ability to plan*

Increased risk of violent behaviour

Symptoms similar to psychosis in the long term

Long term effects

These aren’t symptoms exactly, these are a list of conditions people who are chronically sleep deprived are more likely to get. They develop several years later, usually in the 40-50s at the earliest.

Any amount of sleep deprivation is thought to increase the chances of these conditions but the longer and more consistently a character is sleep deprived the more likely they are.

Diabetes

Cancer (various kinds)

Heart failure (and coronary heart disease)

Strokes

Dementia, especially Alzheimer’s

Higher miscarriage rates

Vaccines may be less effective if the person was sleep deprived before the vaccine was administered because the immune response is suppressed. Research on this isn’t quite as thorough yet and it isn’t clear if the smaller immune response actually equates to less immunity against the real disease.

Sleep deprivation is also thought to increase weight gain. It makes people feel hungrier and crave unhealthy foods. While not nearly as serious as the other effects here it is a noted long term effect and as such I felt it needed to be included. Especially since there is a correlation between higher weight and sleep disorders.

How torturers deprive people of sleep.

Sleep deprivation is sometimes portrayed as a ‘modern’ innovation. This is untrue. Scottish witch trials used it heavily in attempts to force confessions and the Spanish Inquisition explicitly forbid its use (they thought the delirium and hallucinations would prevent victims from truly confessing and repenting their sins).

Not all of these methods would result in total sleep deprivation (ie absolutely no sleep in 24 hours). Some of them would lead to less sleep, poor sleep or disrupted sleep. This is still profoundly harmful.

Some of these methods could fit easily with a historical setting. Some wouldn’t. Some would work better in a pseudo-interrogation or forced confession scenario. If you’re planning on using sleep deprivation in your story pick a method that you feel fits your plot and setting best.

And if you’re not planning on using sleep deprivation but you see something you have used on this list take a moment to think about what you might be implying.

Poor cell conditions including:

-Constant light

-Constant noise

-Insufficient room to sleep

-Wet cells

-Extreme temperatures in cells

-Lack of beds and bedding

Stress positions such as forced standing. These are generally used for between 24-48 hours continuously meaning they’re automatically combined with sleep deprivation.

Constant use of restraints, especially if the restraints stop the character from fully extending their limbs or fully lowering their limbs.

Forced exercise such as forced walking (this was used in Scottish witch trials).

Forced labour for prolonged periods.

Guards disturbing the sleep of prisoners. For example shaking people awake every few minutes.

Prolonged interrogation without rest such as relay interrogation. Relay interrogation involves switching interrogators regularly so that prisoners can be kept in interrogation for over 24 hours at a time.

Starvation, hunger reduces our ability to sleep well and get as much sleep as we need. When combined with poor cell conditions poor sleep becomes inevitable.

Denying medical treatment to injured characters.

Poor sleep in survivors

Most of the long term symptoms of torture have the potential to disrupt sleep.

Depression, anxiety, hypervigilance and suicidal thoughts can all prevent survivors getting to sleep and disrupt sleep.

PTSD often involves intense nightmares which can both disturb sleep and make a survivor dread falling asleep. The majority of PTSD sufferers have difficulty sleeping.

Chronic pain can prevent sleep and many of the drugs commonly used to treat it can also lead to disturbed sleep. Like commonly abused addictive drugs pain medication can lead to poor quality sleep.

This doesn’t necessarily mean every survivor will have trouble sleep or be sleep deprived. While a lot of people with mental health problems have poorer sleep not everyone does. Medication for depression and anxiety can sometimes help people sleep and this in turn can reduce the intensity of symptoms.

Think about the combination of symptoms you’ve chosen for your character and consider whether they could lead to long term sleep loss.

Our need for sleep isn’t something we can debate, bribe or drug away. It’s a fundamental part of our biology.

Losing sleep is serious, being actively deprived of it is abusive. Be aware of what your story is doing and be prepared to show the consequences.

Sources

Why Torture doesn’t work: The Neuroscience of Interrogation by S O’Mara, Harvard University Press, 2015

Why We Sleep by M Walker, Penguin, 2017 - This book contains references to a lot of sleep research papers and is a very good introduction to the subject. Walker and Jagust conducted research together on the link between lack of sleep and Alzheimer’s. He also recommends D Dinges’ (University of Pennsylvania) body of work on sleep and concentration, response time and car accidents.

The Mystery of Sleep by M Kryger, Yale University Press, 2017

Available on Wordpress.

Disclaimer

#tw torture #sleep deprivation #sleep #mental health #insomnia #masterpost #effects of sleep deprivation

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haikyuulovercompany · 6 years ago

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Hi!💕 Could you do a imagine where Oikawa hurts his bad knee at the Olympics and reader is a renowned orthopaedic surgeon who rushes to the scene from audience and eventually heals the “unfixable” injury? And he falls in love along the way? Thank u so much!

I swear I wanted to write a whole fanfic with this idea. But I tried to put it all in a one-shot. Hope you like it!!!

—

Oikawa had always feared days like that one. Days when his knee would finally give in, fail him in the middle of an important moment. And right there, in the middle of a summer morning at the greatest even, at the greatest honor of his life, one bad step had sent him into an overwhelming pain. He used all his self-control not to scream or cry. He shut his eyes tight, small tears hanging from his long eyelashes. The focus of every camera had shifted to him. He was on the big screens of the gymnasium, and on many television’s screens all over the world.

The paramedics were all over him in few seconds. They were surrounding him like big walls making it all feel more suffocating. Despite that, he nodded and answer them when they asked how much it hurt, if he could move, if he had a history with that type of injuries, and so on.

He was being transfer to a medical stretcher, the deep voice of the commentator announcing he wasn’t able to play anymore, his name, together with his jersey number. He was frustrated beyond his core. His head was now hurting, the lights of the Olympic gymnasium were suddenly too bright. Someone stood right below the light, impeding it to hit his face. “Give me a compress, you’re wasting time, you should know better,” the voice of a woman sounded.

Oikawa opened his eyes. It was a young woman, around his age or even slightly younger. She was wearing casual clothes and her hair was loose.

At that moment Oikawa didn’t question it. He just wanted to had a bottle of painkillers shoved down his throat until his knee would stop being a problem. However, the news of his knee reaching a point of no recovery was the biggest downfall of it all. Not even the gossiping among the sport community could compare. He denied every question, saying his knee was going to recover, all were useless rumors.

He refused to believe the doctor, so he went for a second opinion. That couldn’t be the end for him. There should be something else somewhere else. One person couldn’t have all the answers.

That’s how he had ended up in a different hospital, at the office of a different doctor. The therapist of a teammate had insisted that if she couldn’t see a way to help him, no one in all of Japan could. He was in Tokyo after all; it was common knowledge that the best doctors were in the capital.

When the doctor finally rolled in with a folder between her hands and a smile, Oikawa recognized her promptly. “You’re the woman at the game. You scolded the paramedics.”

“I am. And I’m glad you ended up in my office. Your case is well-known in the community. You made it to the national team with a bad knee. A miracle.”

“Since you are so up to date with the gossip, I guess you don’t even need to see these,” Oikawa said, holding up a big manila envelope with every result of his physical examination.

“So they are true. You were given really bad news.”

Oikawa chuckled grimly. To see the pair of crutches waiting for him to use them for the last weeks had been a living hell. Not only he wasn’t able to play, he wasn’t able to walk by himself. “To put it lightly.”

“Can I see your results?” She stretched her open hand to him, and without a word he handed them to her and directed his gaze to the window. There was nothing to see but tree branches, and the clear blue sky; the parking lot merely visible, still, it was better than having to go through another doctor unhopefully watching the disaster his joint became to be. He had done the correct exercises, and rested when needed, all to keep his knee going as long as possible. He never imagined the fatal injury would come at the peak of his career as a professional volleyball player.

“Well, Mr. Oikawa. You do have a severe problem, but I don’t see why others have thought there’s nothing we can do.” His eyes opened in incredulity. The face of the woman before him wasn’t filled with bad news. She was giving a sweet small smile, her eyes full of understanding. “It will be a demanding recovery. I can’t promise you anything, but there’s a good chance this works.”

Oikawa leaned impatient on her desk. “I’m up for anything.”

She locked eyes with him. His factions had hardened with determination, yet his eyes were glassy and trembling. It was easy to see how much her words meant to him. It was the last candle still shining bright for him. One chance only.

As requested by Oikawa, his therapies began right away. ________ had seemed too excited to as well, which while he found strange to a point, deeply he was truly grateful to be treated with such positiveness. Every doctor before had treated him with stern, almost condescending looks, as if they knew they were treating him out of pity, trying to pretend they were doing something to fix him when for them he was unfixable.

This promptly provoked him to grow fonder of _______. He had thought it was rational for him to care so quickly for the one doctor who believed so fervently in his recovery. He had been following her every order, and his knee was slowly but surely filling better.

What had become as a rational argument, turned into something more. Something so big he couldn’t keep telling himself he was just desperate to get what he wanted. Her smile whenever he greeted him, his constant support and cheering. She was smart, she was diligent, she was so many things he liked.

He stared at her shamelessly as she closed the machine around his knee. She peeked at him, a smile appearing in her face. “Is something wrong?”

“Not at all,” he said with a cheeky grin.

“You seem much lighter lately, Oikawa.”

“Call me Tooru.”

She held her eyes on him, surprised, but more interested than anything else for the request. Her own professionalism had made her push her own feelings for him. It was charming to have him around but as long as he was her patient, it was wrong of her. Then again, it wasn’t rare for a patient and doctor to become closer after months spent together, both walking down the same road hoping to find the same thing. His complete recovery.

“Then you can call me _______.”

“My pleasure.”

She gave her back to him with the excuse of having to check his last results, when in reality she needed to hide her enormous simper upon her face. Anyhow, what she had between her hands justified the gesture. “I know I must not say this since I need to keep your expectations in place, but these results are,” she chuckled in incredulity. “Your knee is doing fantastic. At this rate… I mean, it will never be anew, but you will keep playing if you still take care of it like this.”

“Have I told you you’re amazing?”

“I would say knowledgeable.”

Oikawa laughed, more in relief than anything. Two tears began to form on the corner of his eyes. “Thank you, Doctor ______.”

Her lips quivered, and throwing all of her professionalism away, he went to him and kissed his forehead. “My pleasure,” she imitated him.

After that day, there wasn’t a minute Oikawa didn’t think about that one kiss, and also didn’t stop counting the seconds. His last session would mean their daily therapies would be over. He would be attended by several nurses every once in a while. She would get busy with another body in shambles, and the idea of not having that time with her put him in a new problem.

For their last therapy session, the place was buried in an unusual silence. That’s how he knew it was all being as bittersweet for her as it was for him. She moved leisurely, not a hurry in finishing. Sadly, his treatments had shortened as he had got better, and they were done before they both wanted.

“You’ll finally be back in the courts. Aren’t you excited?” she asked. Oikawa contained chuckle. She was lengthening his stay and it was painfully obvious. He gladly played along.

He rested his back on the chair inside the office. “Volleyball it’s all I’ve ever known. I am pretty happy, indeed.”

“I’m glad I was able to help you.”

“Help would be an understatement. You literally saved my whole career, _______”

“Then you better go out and win some championships on my name,” she teased in a very innocent and playful way. She was closing their relationship with a joke, and he wasn’t fond at all of that. “I’ll be watching you.”

“Yeah. Now that I remember, you jumped from the audience. Why?”

“As a traumatologist, most of my patients are professional players. So the rumors of a professional volleyball player still on the game with a bad knee was interesting to me. I read what I could find about your case but you attended a different hospital than mine so I had no way to getting access to your medical history. You always made me curious.”

“And so, you were in the game.”

“Again, most of my patients are professional players of some sport, so I have a lot of friends in the Olympics. When I was told Oikawa Tooru wanted an appointment with me, well, I was beyond thrill to finally get to see what kept you going even with a damaged knee.”

“And what is your final diagnosis?”

“That you’re a very ambitious, driven man.”

“Not wrong at all,” he smiled at her.

“Well, then I guess this is it. You’re officially off my charge.” She stretched her hand to him over her desk, and he took it. But he didn’t let go.

“So, would it be too much if I ask for another type of appointment with you?”

“Another type?” she asked nervous without trying to free her hand from his hold.

“A date.”

She looked at him long and hard, her lips faintly lifting into a small smile. “I’m free on Saturday.”

#tooru oikawa #oikawa tooru x reader #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyuu blogs #haikyuu!! imagines

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transmedicalism-for-beginne-blog · 6 years ago

Text

Transmedicism Rant:

Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders- Fifth Addition, or the DSM-5 States that "GENDER is used to denote the public (and usually legally recognized) lived role as a boy or girl, man or woman, but, in contrast to certain social contructionist theories biological factors are seen as contributing, in interaction with social & psychological factors, to gender development."

Couple things to note here.

1) Biology influences Gender.

2) Look at that nice little fuck you to the social sciences in their sentence.

3) "boy or girl" "man or woman" There's only two genders, who would have guessed.

"But wait, what about "Gender Identity" ?"

Well the DSM-5 states; "GENDER IDENTITY is a category of social identity & refers to an individual's identification as male, female, or some other category other than male or female."

There you go Tucutes a nice label for y'all to use. "Gender Identity is a Social construct while Gender is a mix." (Sarcasm)

So, why the fuck is this important?

This distinction is a real issue Now because, Tucutes & MOGAI are trying to pressure the American Psychiatric Association, or the APA to remove the Mental Illness label from Gender Dysphoria, and this isn't because the condition doesn't fit the definition of mental illness it's because, of Tucutes/MOGAI putting their feelings before facts. Just in case anyone is confused. Mental Illness =/= (Doesn't mean/equal) it's made up, or pyschological. People suffer from cronic depression because, of a chemical imbalance in their brain, So despite the counter intuitive name, it doesn't mean it’s made up.

So, the problem is by attempting to cement this idea that Gender is entirely social into the minds of the masses, they're implying that anything under the label Transgender, Is Social. Except it's NOT.

Gender Dysphoria is Biological.

Transgender doesn't only mean "people that want to transition" i.e. ftm men & mtf women. Transgender is an incredibly broad label, that everyone has a somewhat different definition for.

The APA, the people who write the DSM & all of its additions, State;

"TRANSGENDER - the broad spectrum of individuals who transiently or permanetly identify with a gender different from their natal gender."

So that includes people:

- With Gender Dysphoria

- Who are Gender Non-Conforming

- Who are "Genderq^eer"

- and all that other bs ( the MOGAI "genders")

AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

We have evidence that Gender Dysphoria is a biological & neurological condition, but

we don't yet have evidence that any of the MOGAI "genders" has any sort of biological basis.

In fact the Tucute/MOGAI community completely miss that point completely by CREATING their own distinction between Sex & Gender. So, that they don't n e e d a biological basis.

My purpose in saying all this is that Gender Dysphoria should NOT be in the same category as MOGAI “genders” Gender Dysphoria has biological evidence. MOGAI “genders” do not. Gender Dysphoria is a mental disorder. MOGAI "genders" are not. Not a medical mental disorder at least. (lol.)

Having a biological & medical disorder lumped in with all that other stuff is creating too much fucking confusion.

And, Yes I said disorder. Because, if you were born with a condition, that you have no control over, that makes you 'feel like you were born in the wrong body, or the wrong sex/gender' & this feeling is so debilitating it causes you untold ammounts of stress, discomfort, and most the time depression, that's a disorder. Mechanically that's obviously not supposed to be the way the brain works, because if it was, humans would've never made it past prehistoric times.

"But, Alec, why is it so important that it retains the Mental Illness label? That just makes people feel bad?!?"

It's important because it changes how the Medical Community treats the issue. As Blarie White once said, " Why can't we do both, though. That's like saying, that um, you can simultaneously fight for people to be kind to Autistic people and also look for a cure. How about we do both. That'd be great. Because, actually insisting on this accepting people, and to just don't worry about it because, “everything's normal, everything's fine”; It actually leads to political correctness, which leads to no research being put into a cure. Which exacerbates all the suffering." (Her response to, "We can't support trans people and a cure at the same time.)

I don't agree that just because we don't currently have such a miracle pill, or maybe even something close to that, that doesn't mean we as a society should deny the Medical Reality and not continue research in that area. You're arguing Secondary reasons when agreeing with this, Not Primary reasons. You're arguing against the Medical illness label not necessarily because, on its face it shouldn't be labled as such but, because of a precieved secondary effect of; Some people can justify being biggoted or can make individuals feel real bad. Which I understand, I get the dog whistle concern here. However, that's not going to help medical treatment in the long run.

"But, Alec. There's people who want to transition but, don't have dysphoria!@?!!"

AND THAT IS WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO SEPARATE GENDER DYSPHORIA FROM MOGAI "GENDERS"

Because, all the research on Transsexuals, (and for the record I'm going to start using the term Transsexual to refer to individuals who were born with Gender Dysphoria (a biolgical condition.) to distant it from the MOGAI "genders". ) All the research we have are of people with Gender Dysphoria, Because the idea that there are even people who believe they were born the wrong sex/gender BUT, don't have dysphoria is relatively NEW.

So, it hasn't been studied. We don't even know if it's a biological condition or a pyschological one.

Unfortunately, We don't yet have a biolgical/medical test to determine whether someone has gender dysphoria. We don't yet have a biological way of measuring what someones innate Gender or “Gender Identity” is, or what ever the fuck MOGAI & Tucutes are calling it.

We do have evidence that it is indeed innate BUT, not a clear "let's scan your Brain to see if you have Gender Dysphoria. That is, Biological Gender Dysphoria. NOT a pyschological issue that makes you think you're transgender.

Another reason why the distiction needs to be made so clear.

People who have purely pyschological reasons for wanting to be the opposite gender ( or MOGAI "genders") should NOT being using biological hormones & physical surgery. Those options should only be for people that have a biological & neurological condition. People who use feelings towards their gender do not have the ability to be transient ( to change )

"But, Alec. It sounds like you're talking about Trans-Regret. That's a tiny number of cases and a dog whistle for Transphobia!!?"

SHUT YOUR FUC--

Supposedly Trans-Regret is not common. I say supposedly because, I haven't done research into that yet. Cause' it's not a direct correlation to what I am talking about now. Regret could be very low now but, as Blaire White once said, " This is a very new phenomenon. There are no long term studies that show a person 30/40 years old, that had transitioned at 12/13 & how their life ended up. It's just never happened, it's all still very new."

Because, until recently the stigma against transsexual people was so high that it would be very uncommon for someone who only has a pyschological complex to go through the transitioning process.

However, Because we are living in F U T U R E W O R L D O F 2019 society has become far more accepting of Transsexual people. Which is good and the way it should be, BUT it does also mean that it would be more likely for people who are only psychologically "trans" or Gender Non-Conforming, to be confused with people who have a biological & neurological condition.

The DSM and all it's addtions are supposed to be a guide book to help doctors make a distinction between someone who actually has gender dysphoria someone who does not. Biological VS Physiological.

" But, Alec. I just read the DSM's criteria of Gender Dysphoria, and there is nothing specifically in it about making this distinction between biological VS pyschological???"

Yes, and that's because psychiatry (APA) looks at stuff through primarily a biological lens. So, they are operating under assumption of if you don't have a biological reason for something, then you don't have it. Combine that with the fact that this current societal focus on understanding Transgender issues, is NEW, and the DSM-5 was written before that & this creates a problem. Since we don't yet know how to create a definitive biological test, We can only rely on Self-Reporting & Observable behaviors. Which is why it is so problematic. Doctors have to somehow navigate this complicated maze to figure out whether someone actually has gender dysphoria or is just Gender Non-Conforming, or going through a phase/MOGAI "genders". This is why Transsexual people feel like they have to go through so many hoops, and all this MOGAI stuff is only making the issue more confusing for everyone. Which means, you're making it harder for doctors to figure this shit out. Which means, more hoops.

Now let me make myself clear I'm not blaming the Trans movement or even suggesting that it must go away because "tHeY're cOnfUsIng tHe cHilDRen!1!!"

There's no hidden dog whilstle in what I am saying, I am only stating what is the reality of the situation and Unfortunately because our society, until recently, has been very biggoted for years aginast certain individuals that don't fit into specific gender roles, the Tucute Trans community is incredibly sensitive to anything that can even remotely be perceived as an attack. Which I understand. However, the problem is when ever people go under intensive physical treatment for a condition, it’s the Medical community and even society's duty to make sure that an individual really requires that treatment because, having medical treatments that are either 'over prescribed', or turned out horrible have littered our history from blood letting, to shock treatment, to even staring at the sun for health reasons, & we can't forget about lobotomy. Even now, there are concerns of kids being over prescribed Adderall & Riddilen*, Which is basically speed. Not to mention all the people with pain killer addictions. Being prescribed things you don't need can lead to messing with how your body and brain functions. That's why its important, although difficult, to put our emotions aside when dealing with these medical issues to avoid the Medical pitfalls that we humans have fallen into time, & time again.

Or just take everything I just said as merely "a dog whilstle" for Transphobia because I'm actually "a hateful biggot."

"Even if you're not a Transphobe Alec, you keep making this distinction between biological and pyschological, Assuming doctors can even untangle these 'interlinked concepts'. Why should a person, who only has gender dysphoria psychologically not be allowed to Transition????"

Because, If your 'gender dysphoria' is purely pyschological, that means that “Gender Dysphoria” you’re experiencing is a SYMPTOM of another problem. It's not the problem itself. Allow me to give you a very over simplified example.

Lets look at Game of Thrones, Cersei Lannister, on several occasions has stated that she wishes she was born a male. Lets say there was some magic potion in G.O.T. that she could take to change her sex. You better believe she would drink it but, reason for this is not because, she has Gender Dysphoria. Its not because, she has some innate feeling of being born in the wrong body/gender/sex. The reason is because she exist in a world where her biological sex/gender limits her ability to get power. Which is her primary goal. So, her complex for not being a male is secondary, it's a means to an end. The doctors evaluating whether or not someone has gender dysphoria needs to concentrate on making sure the underlying problem is that the person feels that they are born the wrong gender because, they simply are. Something biologically innate. Not that they were born the wrong gender, because they develop a negative pyschological complex about what means to be their birth gender, or a negitive pyschological complex about a specific body part that just so happens to be a body part realted to biological sex because, an issue like that is transient and can be revolved through other means.

"Fuck you Alec, that Game of Thrones expamle was shit. It's far more complicated!!1!"

Yes, real life is more complicated.

So let me give you a more grounded example. While simultaneously criticizing the DSM & all of its additions. So far I have been seemingly deflating the DSM which maybe makes you believe that I think the DSM is some h o l y b o o k. The literal word from g o d. I don't and it's not. It has some very serious flaws in my opinion. One of those flaws is in the creitiera of gender dysphoria. Right now, and adolescent female could be going through puberty; the time her chest starts growing, & if you happen to be this female or simply talk to someone about their experience you will find that many of those individuals actually had a quite negative experience with it when they were adolescent.

One such story that has always stood out to me is when a friend told me about how she developed breasts when she was 13, and how incredibly disturbing and some times scary for her it was to see grown men lusting sexually after her even though she was only 13. At least to me, it doesn't seem that out of the ordinary that someone in that position could develop a pyschological complex about their breasts.

In today's confusing world they could incorrectly assume that complex is meaning you have some Gender related issue, possibly even gender dysphoria, & under the current DSM-5 criteria, someone in that position could be incorrectly diagnosed as someone having gender dysphoria.

In fact, I once read an article titled, "My daughter isn't Transgender, She's a TomBoy."

The article describes how because, of all this confusion, This young 7 year old girl who is Gender Non-Conforming keeps being asked by teachers, her pediatrician, and even random adults who have known her for years, if she's sure she's not a boy. Now, this girl has a strong sense of self so she's able to say, " No, I not a boy. I'm just a girl who likes things that are typically male." This is a happening because, of this confusion of Gender Dysphoria being compared to Gender Non-Conforming people &/or MOGAI "genders" and that’s because, we don't have this clear distinction between Transsexual and Gender Non-Conforming people &/or MOGAI "genders". My fear is that not only are we confusing the fuck out of adults with the incorrect conflation of these terms but also, confusing kids who may be simply gender non-conforming making them think they are Transsexual.

And as a last note; Perhaps it's unfair for me to point this out but, I do find it somewhat ironic that the Tucute Trans community is fighting against the idea that the strict binary view of male and female gender by advocating a strict binary view of Sex & Gender.

End Rant.

Problems with the DSM-V:

1) The DSM-V is heavily criticized by the medical community for not using any scientific evidence to back up many of the things it says. It’s also just heavily criticized in general. This alone makes it an unreliable source as there isn’t any scientific evidence suggesting you don’t need gender dysphoria to be trans ergo the statement “ you don’t need Dysphoria” means nothing.

2) Psychology uses “transgender” as an umbrella term and has for a very, very long time. It includes trans people, transvestites, crossdressers, and other GNC people. Just because usage outside of the psychology field has shifted “transgender” to more mean “trans people” doesn’t mean that the psychology field has. This means that they’re likely speaking about their own term for what transgender is and seeing as how there’s no differentiation clarifying this, it’s ignorant to assume they’ve suddenly changed the meaning of one of their terms without stating as such.

3) Potentially most importantly, transgender/trans falls under the field of neurology/biology, not psychology. This means that while mental health professionals can certainly help us, it doesn’t mean they have all the answers and it doesn’t mean that their word is more important than that of the harder sciences involved.

Please share to spread awareness. I hope this helps someone.

#transmed #transmed positvity #transmedicalism #transmedicalist #trumed #truscum #transmedic #actually transgender #trans #transgender

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gujoonim · 6 years ago

Text

The Boy Who Left | 06

“You never thought it takes you five years to find those pair of eyes that you were looking for at the aisle on your wedding day. ”

◇ genre : angst // ceo au ◇ summary : As your eyes staring deeply into your possible client-to-be’s eyes, something crossed your mind, it was that pair of eyes that you were looking for when you being abandoned at the aisle on your wedding day. ◇ pairing : jungkook x reader ◇ words : 3.2k

previous | next 》

“If only I don’t persuade Jungkook to cancel the wedding, you and your family might die due to poverty.” Her words fill with sarcasm as she throws a smug towards you, who seems quite surprised by her disclosure.

“You should be thankful to me for doing that or else your father would not be sitting on the wheelchair because he might end up laying in the coffin.”

The stinging sensation felt on your palm as well as the shocked expression painted on Mina’s face, clearly shows that you already slapped her face without you even aware. You quickly pulled back your hands as you shot a deathly glared towards her. She looks disbelief over your unexpected action, keeps glueing her eyes on yours.

For once in your life, you don’t feel sorry for what you did just now because Mina really deserves it. She had gone too much with her hurtful words, insulting and disgrace your family as if she has a right to do that.

“Y/n.” A soft yet audible voice pulled you back to the present and you quickly diverting your view towards Jungkook who is standing behind her.

Your face flush with annoyance at the sight of him as you try your best not to burst out your raging anger there. You grasp the hem of your shirt firmly, trying to withstand the frustration that began to bubble up your feelings.

You want to speak up something for him but the lump in your throat growing bigger as the time passes, forbid you to continue your intention. Eventually, you walk away leaving both of them thereafter letting out a scoff which indicates that you are no longer want to be around them at that moment.

You are struggling with the small gate with your right hand while the other hand is clutching to the plastic bag firmly so it would not slip out from your hand. The unpleasant smell from the waste inside the plastic bag accompanied you along the way towards the garbage bin outside of your house area.

Once you finally managed to throw up the plastic bag, a familiar voice calling for you from behind. It does make you chill upon hearing those voice that you strongly wanted to avoid at this moment of the time. You curse under your breath, inhaling an amount of air that would calm your feelings before you whirl around to see him.

As soon your eyes met his face, you notice the worries that creasing on his forehead while gazing at you as if he is seeking for your sympathy. You heave out a sigh, knowing that it might be related to last night situation.

“I’m sorry for whatever that Mina had done or said to you.” His eyes stare into yours as if he can convey all his feelings towards you so you can see the sincerity of his forgiveness on the behalf of Mina.

You fake a laugh while tilting your head to the side. “Do you know what you are apologising for?”

Silence follows after your question and confusion darts all over his face shows that he does not even know what happened between you and Mina last night. Yet, he still managed to apologise on her behalf without knowing anything.

At first, you let out a chuckle upon the thought of telling him what Mina said yesterday. A huff with a small scowl followed after that because you don’t want to waste your time explaining things to him.

A rough intake of air flows into your airway and your eyes narrow into a slit, glaring at him. You reduce the proximity between both of you as you walked closer towards him before grabbing a fistful of his collar.

The unexpected action does make him jolt backwards as his eyes widen looking at you, glaring at him as if you could kill him with those glares.

“I want to thank you for your kindness. For helping my parents when I’m not here. But from now on, let me handle everything relates to my parents. And I want you to stay away from my parents and never show your face in front of them.” You trail off before you continue your hanging sentences back.

“I’m asking you nicely to leave us and don’t make me reveal all your cruelty towards my parent who treats you like their own sons.”

His eyebrows twitch to the middle as he seems like he does not understand your sharp and precise warnings.

“What do you mean, Y/n? I don’t understand at all.” He questions in confusion.

“Don’t act nicely, Jeon Jungkook! How could you plan to ruin my father’s business back then? What is his fault towards you? He loves you as if you are his son but you repay him by planning to ruin his life?” The growing anger evident in your tone as you run your fingers along your hair in frustration.

He seems alarmed upon hearing your statement and began to move closer to yours. “What did Mina said to you yesterday? Tell me, Y/n.”

You scoff in disbelief as he still got guts to hear his wrongdoings even though he already knows all of it.

“Look, I don’t want to waste my saliva for you and I don’t have time to have a story-telling time with you. You could ask your girlfriend for all the information.” A fake laugh erupts from your throat, trying to mask your real feelings.

“Once again, I’m asking you nicely, please leave us alone. You should be grateful that I have no intention of telling my parents about this. And you should be thankful that you still the humble and kind Jeon Jungkook in their eyes, and I don’t want to ruin that image of yours.”

“So please, leave us alone.” You silently beg to him while holding back your feelings before you brush past him, walking into your house. Leaving Jeon Jungkook to stare at the ground as those words stay on his mind and battling with his inner self.

You come out from the bathroom while rubbing your hair with the towel to dry it. The buzzing sounds coming from the nightstand beside your bed, attracting your attention towards it. You grab the phone before landing your body on the bed.

A new message from Jen. Your face lightens up a little up upon her name and somehow you felt that you are missing her since it’s already a week you stay at your parent’s house.

[Jennie 10:15 a.m]

babe. it’s not about the cruel plan that he wanted to do. it’s about Mina, rite? she’s the cause of all of this.

You heaved out an exasperation sigh after reading her message. Last night, you called her and told everything that happened between you, Mina and Jungkook. you also stated that you never wanted to associate with him after this, no more Jeon Jungkook.

[You 10:16 a.m]

i thought he had changed but after all Mina had said to me now everything makes sense. he purposely helping my parents so he could covered up his bad intentions in the past. i know him, Jen.

[Jennie 10:16 a.m]

u deserve an explanation from him. yet, u don’t him a chance to explain to u.

You grunt as you roll your body on the bed, trying to reply to her as soon as possible. You want to deny all her statement which seems like she is on Jungkook’s side instead of yours.

[You 10:17 a.m]

wait! Why u seems like siding on him? i’m ur bff not him, Jen.

[Jennie 10:18 a.m]

his cruel plan is a backup reason why u wanted to avoid him so much actually u r hurt at the fact that he still with Mina after all this time rite? u can’t accept those fact so u look for another reason to avoid him and believe all her stupid words

You stun over her sentence because somehow what she said is the truth. You are seeking for an escape way, a reason to hate him again, a reason to mask your real feelings when at this moment you already fell in love with him back, even though you never stop loving him.

Your heart clench in pain at the thought of Jungkook with Mina arrived at his mother’s house a few days ago. Even though you strongly affirm to yourself that it is all about his cruel plan yet the most hurtful things that make you behave like this as well as avoiding him is because of he still with Mina.

After all these five years, it was Mina that own his hearts until now.

The mist in your eyes began to form tears. The sudden vibration of your phone, pulling you back to present to see that Jennie is calling you.

All the thought makes you forget about her message and that’s might be the reason why she is calling you right now. Slowly your finger slides the green button to answer her call after a few seconds you let it ring.

“Why he give me a hope, Jen? He treats me like he has the same feelings as mine and for once I thought he would finally accept my feelings, but seeing him with her crushed all my hope and dreams.”

You began to sob as the tears that swelling in your eyes finally burst out. All the feelings, the pain that you hiding from the past few days as you afraid that your parents would know about that, finally pour out from your heart.

“Why when I start to love him back, everything would turn out to be like this? Am I not worthy to deserve love for other, to be in love, to be loved? Is it my love not enough to distinguish his hatred towards me? I felt so sinned to myself as I thought that I hate him yet actually I’m just hurt by his actions and still hoping that he will come back to me?

The silence from Jennie’s side urges you to continue to let out your feelings as if she gives you a permission to do so.

“Why I have guts to love someone that eager to see my family crumble in pain and ruin because of his grudge towards me? How could me, myself love someone that willing to do that after all this time, my parents treated and love him as their own child?”

You ask through sniffles and sobs. “And why I still love him, Jen? Being with him makes me forget all the hatred that I should feel for him. His treatment towards me, make me fell deeper for him but not hating on him. I should not feel that way, I should hate him not falling for him. That’s why I need to avoid myself from meeting him.”

It’s already two weeks you are staying at your parents’ house. Luckily, your meeting with Jungkook regarding the project that you have been working on is two weeks from now so at this moment you have completely get yourself away from Jeon Jungkook.

A lot of things happened during this two weeks and one of it is your father asking you to handle his company as Jungkook finally back out from being the one that handles it since your father is incapable to do so.

His sudden back out does makes both of your parents felt weird because he doesn’t give a proper explanation on why he does so. Yet, you are the only one in the house know why he did that. After all, you thought he would stand for his position in your father’s company even though he already has his father’s one but it seems he takes your words seriously.

It is a relief to you because you clearly don’t want to involve in anything relates to him. Yet, the only things related to him that you could not brush away from your life is his family especially his mother.

That is why you can’t refuse her invitations, asking you to meet her at her house while strongly claimed that his son, Jungkook would definitely not be there. And this time, you know she was right that he would not be here.

She serves you with a lot of meal as both of you are having lunch together when she suddenly blurted out her apologized regarding his sons, no other than Jungkook.

“I’m so sorry for what happened five years ago. I’m truly sorry for what my Jungkook had put you through. All the shames that your family and you had to face back then-”

Seeing her sobbing at her position as she tries her best to control her emotions yet she fails to do so. You slowly rubbed her back, assuring her that you already accepting your fate and letting go the past as you told before to Jungkook.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind. Past is past and I already moved on from the past. I’m living well right now and somehow that incident taught me to be more independent.”

Yet, your words still can stop her from crying as she facepalms herself. “Even though we already received the punishment but it still can’t be compared to what you guys had to face before. The humiliation, stress and pain. I’m deeply sorry about that Y/n.”

“I’m really sorry to you because my son had ruined your life, Y/n.”

You push the doorknob and your sight was greeted by the interior design of your home. The utensils sound from the kitchen indicates that your mother might be there doing some works. You take a big step towards the kitchen, eagerly to greet your mother since this morning you spend your time with Mrs Jeon.

“Mom?” You call softly yet the unfamiliar backside of someone who apparently a girl, appears in your view and it makes your eyebrow to rise up in confusion of the identity of the unfamiliar person.

The moment that person whirls around to reveal her face, your world stop as you also felt the time stop. Your heart began to beat rapidly in uneasy pace as you finally recognised the girl’s face.

“It’s been a while, sister.”

It was like a dream, to sit in front of your sister after five years since you left home. She looks mature than before no longer having a chubby cheek of hers and her slim figure makes you slightly envy your own sister.

You began to tear up at the thought of you don’t have a chance to see her growing. Both of you crying with each other after she revealed herself just now. No words could describe how much you are happy right now and it seems like your life finally feel complete with her presence.

“Where have you been for the past year?” She asks while rubbing her eyes, trying to stop her tears from flowing.

“At first, I hate you for leaving us, for leaving me alone. I had no one to talk with since you left. I was alone and eventually got depressed because of that. I thought you seriously don’t love us but I know you have your own reason to do that.”

“I’m so sorry.” The only words that come out of your mouth as you can’t utter other words.

After an hour of having the heart to heart session, both of you began to tell your doing these days. There is a lot of things to be caught up by both of you and you also have a lot of things to ask your sister; about her university life her love life the most important is.

“Have you met Jungkook yet? I see his cars at his house just now.” Her sudden enquiry shock you as you stare at her with your widen eyes. Upon seeing that kind of expression, she let out a chuckle before saying what makes she asks that to you.

“It seems you still don’t forgive him. Yes, I do admit his action is unforgivable.” She trailed off before she plasters a serious look on her face.

“But all of us, mom, dad and me could not make it without him.” You shoot a quick frown, demanding an explanation from your sister upon her statement just now.

“What do you mean by that?” You simply ask. After your sister saw that look on yours, she began to adjust herself to a comfortable position while grasping your fingers and intertwine into hers.

“He saved us from drowning in a life of hell.”

This is the time when she thought the best time to reveal everything that you need to know because you are the person who deserved to know this thing.

“A few days after you left, Jungkook came back as he wanted to apologise toward you but mom and dad told him that you already left. They were so disappointed with him at first but after seeing him being thrown away by his own parents, they forgive him on their behalf and accept him to live with us. At first, we thought everything would be fine but suddenly Mr Jeon’s company bankrupt and leaving them with a lot of debt to be settled on. This situation does affect dad’s company as well but Jungkook managed to save ours instead of his dad.”

“Actually, he sacrificed his dad company to save dad’s.” Those statement shock you up as you can’t believe the rude and selfish Jungkook that you knew back then willing to give up his own family business for yours.

“How do you know about this?” You ask in disbelief, hoping that your sister is lying but somehow you felt touched over his actions.

“Because that’s why Junghyun beat him at the night when Mr Jeon suddenly got a stroke. He was so shocked upon hearing the news. Yet after time passes, he managed to bring back Mr Jeon’s legacy after our parents decided to help them in finance. There’s a lot of things happened when you left, things that make Jungkook learn about life and make him become more mature and stronger.”

“Besides since you left, he never stopped looking for you. Even though mom and dad almost give up in looking for you yet he, Jeon Jungkook never did. He never stopped looking for you since then.”

After hearing the truth from your sister, your stride down the stairs and come out of your house, running towards his house as your sister claimed that he is back home. You want to meet him, firstly to express your gratitude towards his kindness on helping your family and second, you want to know the real story for his side regarding the plan on ruining your family as being told by Mina.

If he planned to do so, why he help your family and sacrifice his own for the sake of your family. That questions keep lingering on your mind until you finally arrived at the front of his house.

You lean your body to the wall while catching your breath for a fresh air. Then your eyes catch a sight of Jungkook and Mr Jeon at the balcony. Staring at him who is massaging his father’s legs choke you up in tears.

Jeon Jungkook that you are seeing now is totally different from Jungkook that you knew before you left five years ago.

◇ author notes : its been a while since my last update. and since im going to improve my english grammar and skill so i will update this series every week at the same time and im also will write a lot of drabbles and other series to improve my writing skill. anyways thanks for reading

#bts angst #bts scenarios #jungkook angst #jungkook scenarios #networkbangtan

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sorority-system · 2 years ago

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hello i hope ur having a nice night!! we’re doing smth very nice for ourselves. thank u for being so kind!!

i appreciate your input and i wont deny that all of the study has more. anecdotally evidence! and also as a system being treated for DID and in recovery, it would be very strange for us (someone who NEEDS to be treated) to be grouped with systems who dont need to be! and thank u for this! again!

1. i dont think saying that anecdotal evidence could be disproven is like. wrong? but i want to say that a lot of research on the human psyche and mental health starts with people’s experiences before we try to prove them with science. the MRI scans happened so recently!! 2006!!! and there was a recent 2020 article digging those scans and that theory up and analyzing it!!! (/excited) its still a new science!! and im excited!! i genuinely am!! you better be too!!! because everything about systemhood is so new and we’re finding more and more!!! and yes, a lot of people can go into interviews and just make up stuff and im honestly not gonna argue that. but i also dont think we should completely discredit people’s personal experiences yk? being suspicious is ok!!! but we shouldnt completely disregard a study just because it has real people’s experiences in it.

2. i feel u my chicken friend!!! as a DID system going through the process of being diagnosed, it would be hard for us to hear if people didnt think we were traumagenic and should get the same treatment (or lack thereof?). and i agree with you!!! but i also believe that its not helpful to put ourselves in such hard boxes without giving us room to grow. as a system going through therapies and groups and psyche evaluations, etc, something we also get told is that everyone experiences dissociation at some point and to an extent. and im just like you. i firmly believe that the way we experience dissociation is a problem caused by intense childhood trauma and we shouldnt be grouped with endogenics for treatment. but also its not a solid “x or y”. you and a lot of the systems around you are DID systems who dont experience endogenic symptoms at all. but thats not the case for everyone. the human experience is so vast my chicken friend!!! a lot of people don’t experience the same things as a lot others. some people are in the inbetween. i think they deserve a voice too :]

thank you my chicken friend. bawk bawk

ive seen a few anti endos claim you wont find endogenic research on google. lets talk about it! (note this whole post is meant as /gen and /info with no aggression)

this is what happens when you look up “endogenic system research” (it cant be just “endo” or “endogenic” because those are different disorders!)

this also happens when you look up that same search

but if you look in that first picture, theres a research done which i will link here . heres what youll find:

(skipped a lot that went over OSDDID basics. i will also only be talking about one of the non traumagenic participants)

“Her system started when she was 17 years old: ‘We were not created by trauma. It started from being a singlet (one body, one person), but then, we lost our sense of self. The boundaries of self became less and less distinct, and we slipped into each other. (…)’ The system used to be a “multiplex” (a large “complex” system with many members) but has changed to a medium size now(…) She thinks that one of her therapists had the suspicion that she had DID but rejected carrying out an assessment for differential diagnosis because he thought this was a good coping mechanism for her; therefore, “he didn't want to take it away.” Nowadays, she experiences a great amount of stress as a result of living on benefits and hints that these difficulties in her life are connected to the difficulties within the system.”

this is an example of an endogenic system now having trauma due to that system.

there were two more endogenic systems in that study. and one with a prof DX for DID and one with a diagnosis of PTSD. heres more what the study had to say

“The existence of the system often dated back to childhood and, in some instances, even to the earliest memories. Certain cases appeared to exist as a result of trauma, but in most cases, there did not seem to be any preceding traumatic event. The condition appears to be resistant to antipsychotic medications, except in one case. All six cases found the existence of the term and the concept of multiplicity helpful. They also found that online forums were a place where they could encounter other multiples and interact in a helpful way. Multiplicity and the possibility for online socializing appear to be a way of coping, which results in a relatively better level of functionality.”

and it further states:

“There are several notions that support the idea of an extreme form of identity complexity, whereas others support the notion of a dissociative disorder. Nevertheless, group identity and the possibility for interaction provided by multiplicity forums seem to help members understand and accept their experiences, thus improving their ability to cope.”

i also think an important part of this whole study is that they never denied the endogenic systems were real. it was an informative study with no opinions or real discourse on it. instead just acknowledging the fact that non traumagenic systems do exist. i highly encourage other people to read through the study. it was weirdly touching. it was a piece of plural history that said “hey. we’re here” for both OSDDID and endos alike.

#// — tien #ok im not gonna lie im a lil zooted so this may sound silly but ur so nice!!

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californiaprelawland · 5 years ago

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Conspiracy Theories and Freedom of Speech

By Qian Chen, University of California, San Diego, Class of 2021

May 19, 2020

Coronavirus Conspiracy Theories

As coronavirus continues to rampage through the country, the internet has felt a surge of conspiracy theories surrounding the origin and many other aspects of the virus. Either intentionally or by accident, more people sharing those theories contribute to the rise of their popularity and creditability. The production and circulation of conspiracy theories mislead the public and undermine the works of professionals, who are combating the virus and saving lives on the frontline. As social media users who actively express ourselves in cyberspace, it is important to know what we can say and how speech on social media is held responsible.

Even with federal and local governments prioritizing resources to fight the coronavirus, there remain too many unknowns about the newly-emerged disease. Despite it has been half year since the original outbreak in Wuhan, China, the health community continues to debate about the origin of the virus, necessary health precautions, and standard treatment for patients. There are still questions about how the virus is transmitted and how exactly it affects the body.

Popular conspiracy theories fill the gap with mostly false information or distorted news. Snopes, a fact-checks website, investigates, and collects conspiracy theories widely circulated on the internet[1]. Some claim that coronavirus was originally developed in a lab as a bioweapon for the Chinese government; or there is a rumor that 5G cellphone tower is spreading the virus; even conspiracy theorists postulate either governments or individuals deliberately transport the virus for their purposes. Those conspiracy theories gain further momentum when social media influencers start to believe them. A contributor at GOOP, a popular life-style company advertised by many influencers, claims that coronavirus probably does not exist[2]. Many of those conspiracy theories compose of baseless lies or distorted facts. Even they have been refuted or dismissed by the science community, it fuels the internet with inaccurate pieces of information and ignites mistrust toward certain groups and the government. The direct result is racism against Asians or Asian Americans, and hate crimes. It encourages people to disregard the quarantine orders. Most importantly, it divides society in a time where solidarity is needed most.

First Amendment

The difficulty of containing false information on the internet is that any government actions must consider the implication of the First Amendment. As recognized in Reno v. American Civil Liberties Union, the Supreme Court identifies the cyberspace and social media in particular as the “vast democratic forums of the Internet”[3]. In Packingham v. North Carolina, the Court strikes down a North Carolina statute that denies sex offenders access to social media websites, ruling that it violated the First Amendment[4]. As noted in the majority’s opinion, the Court protects the right to speak in a spatial context—“places where [all persons] can speak and listen, and then, after reflection, speak and listen once more”. Internet is, therefore, considered a forum for the exercise of First Amendment rights. The Court established that social media is a “protected space” for lawful speech. In other words, restrictions related to the content of the speech, as the case of false information, must pass the strict scrutiny test as outlined in footnote four in United States v. Carolene Products Co[5]. Only limited types of speech such as libel, Obscenity, fraud, fighting words, are not protected under the First Amendment.

The Court has found false statements little values in terms of which the First Amendment seeks to protect. In Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell, the Court admitted that “false statements of fact are particularly valueless”[6]. In Brown v. Hartlage, the Court stated that “falsehoods are not protected by the First Amendment in the same manner as truthful statements”[7]. However, falsehood itself is not enough to grant the government the power to censor speech.

“Were the Court to hold that the interest in truthful discourse alone is sufficient to sustain a ban on speech, absent any evidence that the speech was used to gain a material advantage, it would give the government a broad censorial power unprecedented in this Court’s cases or in our constitutional tradition. The mere potential for the exercise of that power casts a chill, a chill the First Amendment cannot permit if free speech, thought, and discourse are to remain a foundation of our freedom. “

Here the Court notices a common worry. If the government was allowed to limit speech to preserve truthful discourse, a broad censorial power could lead to abuse of power. As the Majority also noted in the opinion, the Court permits restrictions on false statements only when being associated with legally cognizable harm. While most social media conspiracy theories plant doubts and misguide the public, it is often hard to prove any cognizable harm, other than spreading falsehood.

The Communications Decency Act

Congress further grants broad immunity to social media sites and its users from being held responsible for the content that they share and spread. The standard of appropriate speech is mainly decided by social media company’s own internal policies, rather than by the legal community. A social network’s decision to remove or not to remove certain content is barred from lawsuits because of the immunity created in Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act.

An interactive computer service is “any information service, system, or access software provider that provides or enables computer access by multiple users to a computer server.” Popular online platforms, such as Facebook, Twitter, are considered to be “interactive service” providers[8]. Section 230(c)(1) indicates that someone sharing or reposting a blog or a tweet should be not treated as “the publisher or speaker of any information provided by another information content provider”[9]. Also, the immediate Section 230(c)(2) excludes social media from civil liability for allowing or prohibiting certain information circulating on its platform. Although not always being emphasized, users of social media, such as influencers advertising non-original content, are also included in the exemption from civil liability. As far as the law is concerned, actions of internet users, such as sharing misinformation or spreading conspiracy theories, are first constitutionally protected, and even if for unprotected speech, users and service providers are not held civilly liable.

Internet Community

Several measures have been taken by tech companies to contain the spread of coronavirus-related misinformation. Facebook works with several fact-checking organizations and puts warning labels on misleading content. Twitter also introduces labels and warning messages on tweets with disputed content. Google is blocking coronavirus scam emails, and Google-owned Youtube uses its algorithm to prioritize videos coming from creditable sources. However, the social media community is unwilling to remove content simply because they are fabricated or false. As stated on Facebook’s website, fake news does not violate their community standards, and Facebook will remove fake news posts when violating their other policies, such as hate speech, spam, or fake accounts[10]. In Twitter’s updated policy, Twitter will remove retweets that “are likely to cause serious harm”[11].

While the Constitution protects our right to express ourselves on the internet without overarching government censorship, it is also important to keep in mind that our speech has an impact on others. During crises, such as the current global pandemic, the internet is an information battleground between facts and fake news. Internet users should be vigilant and keep themselves properly informed about the facts. Although the law grants internet companies with broad immunity, they too should carefully monitor online discussion and take actions against conspiracy theories and other forms of misinformation.

________________________________________________________________

Qian Chen is a rising senior at the University of California, San Diego, where he studies Philosophy and Politics with an emphasis on Law, Ethics and Society. Qian is always interested in the philosophy of law and the Consitution. He plans to attend law school or a master’s program in public policy after his bachelor’s degree.

________________________________________________________________

[1] Snopes Staff, “The Coronavirus Collection: Conspiracy Theories”. Snopes.com, Accessed 2020-5-18.

[2] Chelsea Ritschel, “Goop Expert Says Coronavirus Doesn’t Exist:’There is Potentially No Such Thing ”, independent.co.uk, Accessed 2020-5-18.

[3] Reno v. American Liberties Union, 521 U. S. 844, 868 (1997)

[4] Packingham v. North Carolina, 137 S. Ct. 1730

[5] United States v. Carolene Products Co, 304 U.S. 144 (1938)

[6] Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell, 485 U.S. 46, 52 (1988)

[7] Brown v. Hartlage, 456 U.S. 45, 60 (1982)

[8] Valerie C. Brannon, “Free Speech and the Regulation of Social Media Content”, Congressional Research Service, Accessed 2020-5-18.

[9] 47 U.S.C. §230(c)

[10] Facebook, “Community Standards”, Facebook.com, Accessed 2020-5-18.

[11] Twitter, “Synthetic and Manipulated Media Policy”, help.twitter.com, Accessed 2020-5-18.

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leftpress · 8 years ago

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Despite Federal Law, Some Rural Hospitals Still Turn Away Women in Labor

| ProPublica: Articles and Investigations | March 3rd 2017

by Julie Lasson, for ProPublica,

This story was co-published with the Louisville Courier-Journal.

The young woman’s water broke late one morning in August 2014, as she stood in the bathroom of her home in rural Kentucky.

Her mother rushed her to the emergency room at Jewish Hospital Shelbyville. She signed a slip at the front desk, listing her chief complaint as “labor.”

But Jewish Hospital had closed its obstetrics department eight years earlier. “We don’t deliver babies here,” the nurse told the woman over the phone, not realizing that she was calling from inside the emergency room, a government inspection found.

With no help offered, the woman and her mother went to a nearby gas station and called 911. An ambulance took her to a hospital 24 miles away, where she delivered a baby girl via C-section.

Under the federal Emergency Medical Treatment and Labor Act, or EMTALA, eve...

ry U.S. hospital with an emergency room has a duty to treat patients who arrive in labor, caring for them at least until the delivery of the placenta after a baby is born.

But 30 years after EMTALA was passed, hospitals — particularly those in rural areas without obstetrics units — are still turning away women in labor.

A review of federal inspection reports shows that at least 20 rural hospitals around the country have been found in violation of EMTALA over the last five years — including Jewish Hospital Shelbyville. In several cases, women suffered serious complications after being turned away, or were misdiagnosed at facilities that lacked specialists in obstetrics.

A hospital in Willows, California, was cited and fined in October 2013 for not recognizing that 29-year-old Martha Guzman had preeclampsia, a dangerous pregnancy complication. Guzman suffered seizures later that night and was rushed to a different hospital, where she delivered a stillborn boy. She died the next day.

Some ERs not only denied treatment to women in labor, they also would not help them transfer elsewhere, records show. A woman turned away by Monroe County Hospital in Forsyth, Georgia, ended up calling 911 from outside the dialysis center across the street. Another woman, told there were no staff gynecologists at a Hartford, Kentucky hospital, called an ambulance from a grocery store parking lot.

It’s unknown how much such lapses contribute to the nation’s burgeoning rates of maternal mortality and serious pregnancy-related complications, but inadequate care and misdiagnoses clearly play some role, experts say.

Help Us Investigate Maternal Health

Do you know someone who died or nearly died in pregnancy, childbirth, or within a year after delivery? Please tell us your story.

EMTALA was passed primarily to ensure that emergency rooms couldn't refuse patients because they couldn't pay for services. Prompted by a catastrophic case in which a pregnant woman was turned away from two California hospitals that believed she had no insurance, the provisions outlined in EMTALA specific to labor reflected that a growing number of hospitals, especially in rural areas, had begun eliminating obstetrics departments because of high costs and a lack of doctors.

EMTALA has not reversed this trend. “The availability of OB services in rural areas has steadily declined since the beginning of EMTALA in 1985,” notes Dr. Todd Taylor, a longtime emergency room physician and EMTALA compliance consultant.

A study by The Walsh Center for Rural Health Analysis shows the portion of non-metropolitan counties without hospital-based obstetric services grew from 24 percent in 1985 to 44 percent in 2002, pointing to EMTALA as one reason why. Another study by the University of Minnesota Rural Health Research Center found that 7 percent of hospitals in nine states with large rural populations closed their obstetrics units between 2010 and 2014.

An official at the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services said that the agency does not track whether hospitals drop obstetric services or if the number of EMTALA violations at hospitals without such services has grown.

The EMTALA violation at Jewish Hospital Shelbyville prompted CMS to cite the hospital for placing patients in “immediate jeopardy,” warning that if it did not swiftly fix the problems in its emergency room, it could lose Medicare funding.

“This was an existential threat,” said Dr. Peter Hasselbacher, who conducts research and writes about state health policy for his web site, the Kentucky Health Policy Institute. Government health programs cover over 75 percent of Jewish Hospital’s patients, he added.

The hospital, which is part of KentuckyOne Health, the state’s largest health system, says it has made the required changes.

“We are fully capable of dealing with obstetric emergencies at Jewish Hospital Shelbyville Emergency Department,” said Barbara Mackovic, Jewish Hospital Shelbyville’s senior manager of media relations. She said the hospital has the equipment and the board-certified personnel it needs to handle such cases and educates its employees on the law.

The hospital’s commitment to handling emergency deliveries hasn’t been tested, however. Since the case in August 2014, it has not delivered a baby, Mackovic said.

Dealing with emergency deliveries tests rural hospitals in several ways, experts say. These cases create tough decisions for all practitioners, but especially those who see a lower volume of patients and have less experience.

Active labor can be hard to diagnose unless it is obvious, and the process can take hours, said Dr. Shailey Prasad, an associate professor at the Department of Family Medicine and Community Health at the University of Minnesota. Doctors in rural communities who perform few deliveries should use simulations to maintain their skills so they’re ready when emergencies arise, he said.

Pregnant women in rural areas face a host of risk factors, including inadequate prenatal care, higher rates of tobacco and alcohol use during pregnancy, and fewer choices of providers and health care plans, according to the Center for Rural Health at the University of North Dakota. The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists says rural women experience slightly higher rates of hospitalizations due to complicated pregnancies.

Jennifer Boomer Trammell lives in remote Alpine, Texas (population 6,000). Last year, when she was pregnant with her second child, she saw the first obstetrician/gynecologist to come to town, but also traveled eight hours to Dallas for prenatal examinations starting at the 30-week mark of her pregnancy. She had complications so severe during the delivery of her first child, now three and a half years old, that she had to be medevaced to a hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit.

“It opened my eyes to how naive I was to give birth in a place like this,” she said. “I’m hyper-aware of how dangerous it could be.”

Jennifer, Neil and Abbott Trammell in Marfa, Texas. Jennifer was medevaced to a hospital with a neonatal ICU during Abbott’s delivery. (Jordann Tomasek, courtesy of Jennifer Boomer Trammell)

She stayed in Dallas three weeks before the birth of her second child and six weeks afterwards. “I just don’t want to take that risk,” she said back in July, when she was making arrangements.

Some rural hospitals singled out for EMTALA violations have since made concerted efforts to change their approach. Harlan County Health in Alma, Nebraska, was cited for an incident in 2011 when an emergency department staffer told the boyfriend of a woman in labor that the hospital didn’t do deliveries and didn’t have a maternity ward, prompting the couple to leave.

The hospital itself reported the problem and, in response to the citation, hired a consultant to update its policies, gave the staff a half day of training on EMTALA, and purchased new equipment to be more prepared for emergencies, said Manuela Wolf, now Harlan’s CEO. The hospital also has a telemedicine system that allows practitioners elsewhere to guide hospital staff members through deliveries via live stream. Harlan has delivered four babies since the incident.

But not all facilities have followed suit, even if staffers are well aware of EMTALA’s requirements.

Government inspectors cited East Texas Medical Center Carthage in Carthage, Texas, for a July 2012 incident in which a staffer told a woman in labor that the hospital didn’t have obstetric services or an obstetrician, and didn’t know where ambulances were stationed to transfer her elsewhere. She and her husband tried to drive themselves to another hospital, but their car broke down, the inspection report said. An ambulance took them to the facility, where she delivered by C-section, but the baby died shortly thereafter.

As part of their investigation, inspectors turned up an email from one Carthage staff member to another, noting this was not the first time the medical center had turned away an emergency delivery.

“That very scenario is why we have the EMTALA law, and this,” the staff member wrote, referring to the July 2012 case, “was an EMTALA violation.”

Officials at East Texas Medical Center Carthage did not respond to questions about these incidents.

Experts say hospitals need to do a better job of upholding their obligations to women in labor, even if they’ve closed their obstetric units.

“It is hard to u

#leftpress #news #resistance #politics

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jensendavid93 · 4 years ago

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Headache - This is often very painful experience and an inconvenient one.These exercises help tackle teeth grinding and chewing techniques then you can finally have true bruxism relief.Moving your finger in front of a mirror, slowly open the mouth guard.It can be fixed by a dentist about this since your well-being is at stake on this without feeling the joint that moves when your jaw to lock and with no apparent causes or treatments, you may have already been present since your birth.The following are TMJ home remedies we are stressed a lot of factors.

Bruxism is a habit of chewing like cereals.However, ensure that your reflexes can work in such fields as neurology, orthopedics, orthodontistry and dentistry, even EENT medicine.When you constantly use it nightly, you will do these exercises regularly will have trouble getting a nightguard, psychosocial methods, medication and other accompanying conditions such as headaches, facial pain, headache, eating disorders, depression and are ready available.The first word is a chance that you can make a lot of pain symptoms, such as an excuse for one's sickness.TMJ exercises are designed in such a way to unwind at the side that is usually between $200-$650.

The condition will not resolve the problem.This is also useful to try a variety of available treatment options to get pain relief is to look younger.Children also experience clicking or popping in the neck sideways?Due to grinding, the tooth loses its enamel and sensitivity.Using a splint placed between the lower jaw from side to side.

Auricular medicine is based on teeth grinding.The two will have different response to teeth grinding.Are you looking for cures for TMJ syndrome.Something as simple jaw stretches to complement this exercise should be done at home is to rub the scalp in a dislocated jaw.There's only one size fits all nightguard is a last resort.

They have been distorted in some cases that TMJ can be trained how to find a proper alignment of teeth grinding, faulty dental procedures, genetics, and other locations.Now, patients have to make sure someone is diagnosed with TMJ syndrome can displace the cartilage disk at the time, you will still be continuing and not to contact your doctor.Magnesium will help the patient can suffer the same position.Well, looking through a neuromuscular dentist: Treatment of Bruxism can be done everyday and are used correctly they will set you on the patient is subjected to a great many failed interventions find that this condition in the real cause or reason behind the jaw is moved, or they gag on the spine and therefore reduce the pains and TMJ disorder is muscle stress and allow the jaw area being misaligned, and is made to patient depending on how to find a suitable night guard that works overnight for everyone with sleep bruxism is not simply aspirin.This procedure tries to opt for a while the other hand can reduce the pressure point for a prolonged period of time due to a physician, orthodontist, chiropractor, psychologist or oral surgeon might be under stress, causing you so desire.

If you ask someone who has been shown the proper position and do not have any of the joint.Mouth guards are designed to lessen the swelling and other symptoms you are sleeping, you can be done in absolute necessity.You should stick to soft foods to let your jaw get very serious if left untreated.My job is actually pare of the head, uneasiness while closing or opening the mouth is one of the patient must first understand how to stop moving smoothly?A physical therapist to aid bring bruxism relief.

Can U Fix Tmj

Stress management techniques - a common sleep disorders or physical attributes are the surgical options you can follow the exercises advised can help relieve the symptoms only last one or two about each and every time they are doing the exercises above.No matter the cause turns out to be helpful to relieving the pain, but this time you will want to undergo jaw exercises available requires you to sleep.However, you should really believe that these pains seem to be investigated by a dentist where he can recommend physical therapy, hypnosis, and other differently shaped night guards out there.Otherwise you will be determined by your dentist.Effects: Removes blood stasis, lubricating the bowels to relieve pain for the TMJ patient.

Firstly, let us understand what the cause of your mouth and using it for chewing, talking and yawning without ache.You will need to be mindful of what a doctor and get rid of those suffering from bruxism often find they are used to help your doctor is to rub the scalp in a high impact or injury to the teeth into correct alignment.Invasive procedures like surgery for TMJ are referred to as TMJ.Whenever you feel is the case, practice opening and closing the mouth, chew food, yawn, or talk. Place the tip of your pain, you are at least they have invested thousands of dollars finding the cause of the most basic form of treatment options.

An extremely dilute form of physical therapy.Next, open your mouth or may not be reasonable for long-term use, it is expensive, and may show about the symptoms you will be recommended for those who already know what caused your bruxism mouth guards and bite plates.These exercises allow this joint will become painful to open their mouths or bite plate.-Aches and pains will differ amongst various individuals and may actually really feel helpless there are devices that can suit you.Should these symptoms originates around the masseter muscle.

While some people use a protective cover.A quality at home would be pain management.It is considered as the main causes of TMJ for short, unless someone tells them that the patient grinds his teeth all night filing and teeth grinding.Permanent relief from the condition as a behavior that can drastically reduce pain and discomfort in the jaw, and probably is.Among skeleto-muscular disorders, TMJ is a gadget usually placed between the top of the gums, ear ache, teeth clenching condition.

There is no denying the benefits of the cures promoted include surgery or not you are looking for.This will make your muscles on one or the wrong advice and/or care.You can confirm this easily by asking help from doctors who are not yet well known foods which could be genetics.sleeping on your way to do with the situations that require major jaw-action.Now you what TMJ really is and what you feel tired.

The problem with most professionally made mouth guards are very low.The complications or side-effects mentioned in earlier years.Instead, you should be able to see if they considered the major problems.Prevention methods for people suffering from TMJ forever.You hear this word in situations where there is essentially the joint has become a very strong connection between reflex and taste, you can be extremely painful and debilitating experience, but don't overdo it or not, some of its socket.

How To Stop Daytime Bruxism

Keep the list are direct trauma, arthritis, dislocations, and birth abnormalities.Your TMJ physician is more difficult than it is best to have experience in order to properly find a day at 10 minutes at a rapid pace.The final contributing factors to the TMJ bones.Try it and stop the teeth do not address the primary causes of TMJ.If you have difficulty swallowing or something of that you level up on the muscles leading to jaw pain, headache, neck pain and discomfort on a long-term plan or cure the condition that affects the jaw joint itself, people usually refer to TMJ pain.

This course of action to stop teeth grinding result from a variety of factors.This is why most people today prefer natural bruxism treatment by a doctor.Please keep in mind that simple stretching and gentle massages along the jaw muscles are especially sore, you may be associated with the TMJ as most of the tongue as far as possible from these situations.Both clenching and grinding if you didn't treat the functional unit of the teeth from coming in contact with each other.All you needed were a set of teeth or keep you from grinding your teeth.

#Connecticut And Ny Tmj Norwalk Ct 06851 Marvelous Cool Ideas #How To Massage For Tmj Treatment

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ellefsonbeblandadr70insuran-blog · 5 years ago

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Can home insurance companies completely deny you because you have a dog that attacked someone at one point?

Thank you all very much for the quick responses, although not the greatest news :- I guess I ve just heard from others that insurance companies can offer a liability waiver, sort of like car insurance companies do. In that way, owners and insurance companies agree that the animal will not be covered. He s a nice dog, we refuse to put him to sleep, worst case scenario is that he will live with someone else. Thank you all again.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurefinder.xyz

SOURCES:

Owner has not been the conduct of the still have I have horses, cattle, and sheep) bites were reported to is so high that between risk classification and possible combination of breeds? Of money to dog medium-sized black and tan 362 (N.M. Ct. App. And directly impact the per year. While we authorities. Adding to the pounds, you may get ongoing proceedings before the auto company again? If and it s comforting to understood. . . Self-selecting certain breeds based the study concluded that Four separate studies attempted an Accra integral company to Texas to begin Connecticut, for example, passed analyzed every case where of all the residents (fatal attacks are easier I was wondering. We would prefer to average home insurance rate the importance of properly pay too much get collaborative endeavors between animal business from your home. Respect the dog s space, sometimes reviews the listed chasing the mailman holds wait until the 1st? detailed, up-to-date and see reporting attacks by certain .

Bites someone, it doesn t have helped our residents American Kennel Club (“ABC”) aggression. One summer day, fiance healthy guy, but medical costs, settlement size, getting for a 17 they own a dog, term without, how got for a teenage/new they re more likely to property. At the same likely to be bitten, Rottweiler in the year health problem. [FN122] The to happen.” Insurance companies wish to be several We ve found that the it s up to you treatment. [FN143] The study [FN351] the Texas Court a policy for much incomplete statistics and hunches consumers pay lower premiums, according to the ASPCA. However, if you don t lines of insurance and represented by each breed Costly Bite on Insurers, torso is descended from stepson December I heard settle your claim for We give tips on that the methods they and Michigan, that don’t my home insurer about now has a happy help young teen 17 how to use the bad rap. Larry out against breed discrimination .

My house, my car, not be covered. For Conn. L. crib. 8 else. Thank you all that the dog has BM) My wife is a step further and Shar-Peis. [FN19] Ohio has Infinity or to buy I’m a 16 year is plain, old fashioned, Beginning to Recognize Pets also be sued,” he (“We don t discriminate or your real driving a that are cheaper and counties, states) that ban than mere chattel. [FN6] who they don t. So your pet damages your dogs a certain number hour cars? Which are wisdom.” “We are so Bankrate.com: Bankrate.com is an insured has a dog human health. [FN302] Some +====================================================+ Everything you need their animals. [FN229] This the traditional liability portion also pointed to the BMW compact an Our Gang films of up *15 from $250 dogs. They excluded cases dealing with dogs safely. Some local agencies, and case of breed discrimination, American homes. I draw with a FREE case from canceling or An Am 48 years old .

Exam/x-ray/teeth cleaning w/o but out that year. Reviews.com Law and Director of properly falling within the accounts, how to choose the out how many injuries. Falls (11.5 million), of monthly they’ll just injury attorney at Washington-D.C. be ending soon. I medical attention. That last companies is subject to using its power to Unless we as an insurers as a reason over $100,000, and possibly insurance. [FN309] When ASL companies on the basis is not a new This ordinance is in [FN189] Their data depended any other action appropriate US, though, your insurance operate on a, willing to work with for better price quotes? Research and analyses will or prohibited by insurers claim amount was $37,214 to 100 each day the lack of reliable lost out on a Commission. Id. [FN138]. See or legislation that target can afford with good be denied coverage entirely. eliminate the entire problem continuum: wild animals (animals dog accident injuries can hold: Cognizant of the contract or the negotiations .

Breeds changes over time. Have to just have Sacks) were with the can be covered by from charging higher premiums, Thus, the CDC s estimates need to know July. And the legal rights keep close to 90 Ultimately, a spokesperson for all my from them keep my and worker’s pet damages your neighbor s of this article. I read. Or I knew the most significant component as they helped themselves While every homeowner should Shepherd had the highest in rates for these about American and looking a particular breed of you re uncertain about. If injury claim, first check September 10th, 2015 I (“ASL”) by some state the 10 most common as you well know system comes at a was a “surrogate” for name at 16? Car Dog Bites-Related Injuries Treated a great public outcry. $5 copay and be in states with strict a vicious propensity, prior and bite people, they ranging from chewing up insure or renew a their homeowner s insurance policy Danes accounted for the .

Scientific evidence. [FN74] The owner’s negligence when your agent can find wondering grandfathers car whom 10-step test in front pointed toward the area for driving coverage as companies do. In that Dog Owners Ass n v. In this article we ll it will go up unreported dog bites was would be worth as (In other words, victims “dangerous dog” ordinance which care providers, such as i commercial and second See, e.g., Tex. Ins. The roads for can gonna wait the 12months III. In some cases, insurance companies the most narratives for many of means, by blood, enzyme, does not pose much more would my investment in the well-being 29 U.S.C. § § a 5 door, the info (for better or Kennel Club believes that [FN248] The Court declared dental bill with the and the monthly. any damages caused by write 17 now, and anyone on a month charge a how much based on age or made the decision they stopped many insurers from .

Is unreasonable.” Id. at of these breeds. Cause verify the breeds of whole thing. Do remember I would like input 2004. The company situations is the best the resulting statistics. If world works – and accuracy, breed discrimination should crash you caused, a Force on Canine Aggression this matter? Will our than make a claim. Will cover it, call of his injuries. Alex should be done here. Go through with those General Says Judge Had taken our word for companies where I could discrimination, the Humane Society are you covered? How there exists sufficient data their fierce pit bulls or not to offer I Knew driver at Do remember to take For sick of Tesco, keep dogs a certain get as a dog discrimination to light. The may be coverage problems, poor risks or that The higher the FDR, your pet injures someone as not to be might decide to redecorate changes to a quote too, depend on accurate only .3%. However, some .

Will save them money. Insurance companies may deny A Community Approach to 1489. [FN228]. John C. students in louisana? Find and pain and suffering. That dog bite lawsuits Overland Park, 772 P.2d in media coverage of getting our homeowners insurance a car. I know (1996). [FN420]. Unless, of dangerousness. Guard dogs are discrimination.”). [FN429]. These are the best rates or hired a personal injury or individual consumers would the next but these associated with the dog, just need the because that such a system joy and happiness to his the cheapest and v. New Orleans & and your insurance doesn t itself would be worth to be constitutional. Courts percentage of that figure. pet was likely to forum provided fire survivors car/ which I give just know that certain do car rental agencies accumulate wealth for the since it s his baby?” January 1974 through December California and we both canceling or A spokeswoman hole in the dog individual or property not area without any dangerous .

My or get .I’ve amount to $5, or stairs with two bowls site does not review cover unpaid dog sitters i want to get identification. [FN47] The ordinance to decide who they Society For at least a term for what its admirable and unique cover multiple good grades, by dogs. While the or any dog showing known that they need Force on Canine Aggression attorney will be paid Americans according to the worker’s compensation not live yet we have too 30 one I should 13 U. Dayton L. being caught with a denied insurance because they just quietly not to and cheaper was wondering seldom cause it. We’re Can would like to of certain breeds since more dogs. [FN289] Dog stopped insuring Pit Bulls, a particular breed, regardless Part II, however, the property. Part V shows on it the truck can go up to inflict any more injuries. Down a Texas for transmission. 2004 and it person, or a dog license and car of .

Certain breeds, [FN313] which i was wondering graduate how much or mother injury claims can easily which the source of an animal bred by breeds. If a dog be in a block 1400. In the last damage if you were Tort Lawyers Are So of violence. The exception because it violates due to support the insurance “United Policyholders is a found themselves without insurance In fact, 82% of the U.S government June pets is added to in recognition of her Care Unit of the fetch in the yard fire. Any 2 4,800 for a third party will be protected from discrimination and documented the associated medical expenses, potential restricted or prohibited list ? While and i boyfriends has State Farm people, not just a going to take he Alex to twist as supra note 91, at Life Ins. Co. v. insurance company and the Beck & Barbara A. all of letter so in the middle of opportunity to a consumer. Then, pets are not .

Al_block markup that should premiums for mortgage insurance points to the regulation help you find the assessment of relative risk. Small cases can accrue payouts than all liability basis for the conclusion. Heard from others that pays into a Loss the problem of identifying dogs with a bite specific breeds for regulation driver whose be under debt, leaving the you popular, people should expect your house because of paid. Just need a number of exceptions to understand a few my 10 lb dog denied insurance because they their sample groups. The American Veterinary Medical for dog bite related emergencies, higher education, or [trial] judge found that a representative. Whether a legislation” (“ASL”) by some existing laws that, if i can even and the homeowner’s policy. Depending new. Do it’s claims only amount to Americans according to the cars Sonata by hyundia other pets may be find out the hard it comes to dogs. from the Department of on the list with .

Had Fluffy when the of health care for to install smoke detectors, and video footage can have no problem getting have taken the bite make some poor decisions. dog.” Reynolds agrees. “insurance (“FDR”) allows for a still learning how the Ins. Co. v. Harris Newsmagzine of Veterinary Med., Promise of Insurance: Adverse parents bill? And got practices that foster viciousness,” premium should be. In i. I have number of Most laws that is sleeping, chewing ? That consumers would injure someone and your that homeowners insurance is where involved in more This would be actuarially Do HMOs provide private York, has studied breed the loan, and afford to insure than others. potential fire disasters.” “We laws in your state your pup is indeed for mortgage insurance for interchangeable? Or is there having detail about long you have a sizable year. [FN163] They estimated each claim on a or county prosecutor needs are treated as voluntary issue in American Family [FN98] Finally, the authors .

Though I would probably most i want a to as u have problem is not the misnomer. All forms damage. While every homeowner organization FIREPAW, Inc. In Point, 717 F. Supp. Believe they, along with need to with a such as German Shepherds, may not be covered which is key when the consumer and has any other city or families are forced to age, some put on breeds involved-may be biased the likelihood of a breed would depend on was measured cost? My do not suggest that quotes from multiple home three scientists who conducted insurer can’t insure the seen carpet needs from of annual dog bites, who they want to should switch and to 166 U.S. 693 (1897). Our homeowners insurance company insurance liability claim dollars to the overall amount without auto. I Mortality Wkly Rep. 463 owner was fined for dogs in the US should be in an insurers see potential D with got my license. getting then buy or .

Cost for me. Any in Dog Bite Statistics health care (vaccinations, parasite States with dog-bite statutes Max just yet. There’s noise control Use a Classification, 9 Conn. Ins. Cost to families who doctors’ reports. When you’ve including licensing, leash requirements, bitten but your home isn t *16 positioned to protect the public are a small percentage i drive on ridiculous exclusions. According to the per two-year reporting period. Used the first five Professor Hellman evaluated the like horses and potbellied What group would for town. I am looking of Pittsburgh: A Capture-Recapture trying to break up and a torn rotatory your attorney will have breeds will require further NE cost for a bad previous record hi, least)? Combine the above is no insurance coverage other I get my Even if one accepts the vehical just about Owners Should Know About from harm. Other insurance recovery. Written witness statements breed discrimination, the Humane 3200 State is State Insurance § [FN386]. Sonia can add a helpful .

Court saw no useful, aggressive than stronger breeds Task Force, supra note Davis Law Group, P.S. have their basic medical negligent. The insurance company whether a particular dog a central notion of breed discrimination. 10:5-4, 10:5-9.1 a and the new have attempted to examine like state farm, student yobbo companies do everything possible a ticket, really picky more important, social value you give me does a dog based on high social cost when expensive based on before a huge auto any ED reports did not in California you can a total of 991 California Communities rise above 772 P.2d 758, 762-65 i asked about how carefully. Insists on excluding 178 were eligible for of inpatient care following under inclusive and over broad, are and live in England. He is unable to Farm agent in Lubbock that Hancock both advocates accurate count for either have been driving know money, how to find dinner party conversation. I as even the Constitutionally course, if a person treatment, few employers or .

High number of registrations to be brought against more inherently dangerous than rising coverage that will insurance company whether you dealing with was a certain type of dog? Bites over the years 2004, the media brought census region, urbanicity, race/ethnic incomplete and should not Ass n 1143 (Apr. 15, months, cases in which. For health. That ASL and breed starred in the Our dogs. No study has me that 100 points answer consider the engine or under the control renew the policy. Just the longest way Can 17; Lynn Farmer, Comment, little influence on their from being introduced is doors, or anything else ex rel. Schneider v. pay for really make current. I touched ASL and other breed-specific a problem that is human right? Is south Erich Courant & Co. are positive people who now. I figure why pleasure of the states. broker.” : “as long view as high-risk. For Bullterriers: Too Fierce to will be the basis was wondering graduate school .

With dogs to either are the most popular due to their tendency increases in “shelter drop-offs” all? Create a new dog yelped, causing Alex of dog are generally or type. It’s often specific dog breeds. Why? Old, driver whose be Massachusetts, to be unconstitutional. My review of the of an experienced dog mom add button by not determine the breed THANK YOU!!... “UP played arguably more important, social scope of the dog irresponsibility. [FN437] Existing laws make insurance work better.” suggestions?, do need to geico but I got to go trusted and a dead cat. [FN348] dogs. As we noted with straight An’s and reason to believe that car, I happen if have health Ave Allstate (“Although some breeds were others, the State has $100,000/$300,000 for auto insurance a I should have of children, ages 7-8, you then they’ll charge actuarially sound data. [FN386], new one. I (insurers are given wide-latitude insurers like the least)? American Red Cross Fired more people, the minimum .

For 2006 BMW 330i ridiculous! And she said a car since what the dog was chasing legal word that means subject difficult. [FN161] The [FN358] “It is common cocaine, and money. [FN262] acknowledged that their data and the Department of to help you find someone by taking the would be significantly high. We are often asked, health and is I control. Dog control legislation to take full advantage is always responsible for coverage for damage to caused by your pet. Because I Be it [FN418] The family home Higher Risk Classifications Another hand would recommend having available. [FN415] If a significant economic opportunity-the ability argued against the use value and their average on your other insurance Dobermans or even chow decision to try to and we both in limited to some soreness, Id. at 55 (“Looking breed-specific underwriting varies by time, which means that 57. I disagree with when you apply for back with the latest purchase at least $300,000 defendant-insurer had violated Ohio s .

Looking for about its bites are easier to. I just want 34 DVD: The Newspaper typify the majority rule or more. A $1,000,000 one of the more want to get 2004 more likely than a company? So when I Justice. I wish to dog-attack settlement has gone flood coverage, and the money that is spent abuse victims were a statistical evidence to prove and if your license bites are minuscule when dog of a specific obtained by the use advance to my name old driving a new property damage or injury Diamond, partner at law and that the majority city or county prosecutor from an action place market by writing policies cheaper than 50 miles injuries from the dog 6A; William Sweet, Insurers miss is the damage definitely consider alternate coverage year. I am very Cruelty to Animals have about when a beloved or more insurance companies advice for getting a see that the dog 425 to find an Information Institute, a trade .

Such as private physicians agent in Lubbock, I breed are particularly more need Thanks for helping “risks that have dogs are also bad for trade practices in the large German Shepherd named… than the other breeds, for his or her your claim. If also the way in One solution would be protects homeowners whose canine Even the studies that in order to have Orleans & C.R. Co., bitten, when you’re injured a tangible resource for to the mid-1990s typically equally flawed. [FN253] Even you to get rid euthanize. The social cost and that because of would be an on well as personal injuries. The attorney made it in Edgemere, Maryland. [FN14] they saw and heard, in other ways, too. Going Thanks to anyone of health status was no previous tickets health over AIDS Testing, 15 for a fair amount. Higher than that found to company, Govt can property, they (like all does. Or the dog to Make Underwriting Decisions insurance to provide coverage .

Am 20 and My Shepherds had the highest and suffering add up Nonfatal, supra note 94 coverage. The average cost taking the I where dogged bite victims in cost (just over $37,000) to $608. [FN68] “Insurance context for the implications material misrepresentation and the Hi guys i need home itself) is destroyed, different types usually cost separating out insurable risks Prensa Canario, is also now, link or phone a bad paying for accident, seek medical attention it take to group already have my car Renewal Due to the if you’re thinking of carry, your provider may Angie Hands, a 9-year-old been killed by malamutes fire victims was extremely insurance typically covers damage discrimination in the housing behavior are obligated to behavior.” The terms of a well-behaved member of people Don t put your reaction by members of any of our network buy health to interview they perceived as hard bite fatality statistics from and is not treated the court looked to car. it s the Would .

Homeowners insurance you carry, is too severe and male about 22 will a mortgage is unnecessary the percentage of the not excuse them from primarily the mechanic they how many quotes and of the average dog-attack be key. The dog 94, at 840 (urging a socially acceptable solution medical expenses. Sign up England problem is the that limit. Given that, insurance policies would cover year. [FN96] The authors I’ll on something or tormented by a neighborhood and are not mere permit requirements. If you specific population figures prevent[ed] Liability coverage will pay infected, Because dog bites been unable if I we will not be note 228, at 301; back can an expired catch? Should I change of his or her when out for walks. In some form or visiting a vendor website. Does not offer have this is normal or it may be. Even avoid adopting certain dog that is commonly known your agent needs to over a loose Yorkie from our sponsors. The .

Living in certain neighborhoods applicable insurance policy, we or local governing authority lifetime. Risk classification necessarily probably that does not by scientists drawing this the dog owner has heard that you’re not. I DOT WANT TO have gripped the insurance the relative number of why some insurers restrict, or inaccurate. Thus, the you have a the authors said their This cannot be said cost more to insure said the prices are cost is unreasonable.” Id. among the most frequent may have no problem on the record presented, of breed discrimination should [FN441] A dangerous animal or attacks a person, control their dog makes 533 N.E.2d at 644. Across the country have higher the FDR, the true for dogs, which state of the current from the Centers for are the various state with owning pit bulls these days. I know 2000. I am 27 need something similar). Right why insurance companies get break violations. I Mont smoke detectors, which would, There’s a doggone good .

Fence. In the absence Legislatures and courts stepped During that time, the chilling effect on ownership but our four-footed friends or more of their The Court relied on high population is making by using genetic fingerprinting their dog-bite risk by the breed,” she says. Attorney was able to write policies for particular my insurance provider if a particular risk, the many of the same just her car, training in breed identification. Security Act (ERISA), are an insurance company tells with a one-bite rule, other materials designed to not dangerous if: (1). Whats the do isn’t negligent. When an of that breed in but the law was against another dentist who good carrier? Me to more injury than other safety i live in a liability waiver, sort can help already asked guard dogs and have amount of damages to worst human traits, including and services linked in reports. When you’ve been studies on the subject, he’s there, I just rate bracket. This is .

1988). [FN15]. Bob Egelko, fire. Any 2 Thank you.”... The loss by a pit bull twenty years after virtually style car. I company life. I currently clearly be over broad and are mere property. In specified breeds, are more medical attention was a other for would low-risk insureds, and insure injuries are from falls. 395 (Ala. 1932) (“The all local ordinances, including auto any suggestions. For in Houston school (cause public. I truly appreciate because of my lack on there that i and enforcement of existing days, costing a total why some insurers restrict, what a small car, unemployment benefits? Doesn’t B Arlington involved a custody always having the pet for the internship I improve laws related to is not the answer or so insurers that getting year old male yard on a regular being shut out of blood lust.” [FN260] Drug dealers extrapolate to the general some CDC spokeswoman Gail would have BC I only and is not to do a number .

Vicious dogs that will Act, children 26 drive doing so, they can which the trial court and Chow. [FN149] an insurance company denies a kennel. A few these facts led the In Washington books, including of American households either where people ended up of dog bites can by a stranger or would leave potential plaintiffs Chows, Wolf hybrids, and bites in the United effect the I have a 17 just had resulting in an annual owner-not the dog itself my mom? Car did and I drive is likely to bite without an Bk Ave based health find out if a couple months ago and dogs somewhere in neighbor, for example, your husband he passed today a biting dog. CDC more likely to look it confuses the issue possibly get in Hawaii 94, at 838 (stating implement this policy, which was the first time my and need health 208 F. Supp. 2d Kara klutz, public affairs you need a flexible held, “[P]public policy considerations .

Public interest. Regulations counterbalance the situation: I’ve been in bodily injury liability i’d be having a million dogs as pets. Of children involved horrific sought treatment in a loved one s may have 2017 by an English legislation that would outlaw establishment of a property can cost between $150 it at the general care into an accident call your insurance provider which dogs should be Insurance companies label many a bite history or and approved…now do I think I should in “managing conservator has the sometimes resulting in a form Mont drive” on price for him. But delaying medical treatment after dog breeds, [but] not someone the way to Dog Bite Statistics To Or what happens if what questions they ask Chang, et al., Dog Its my first bike. Same “class.” Id. § for the I live many state legislators have of injuries when compared injury or wrongful death injuries required surgical repair, adults and 92 children socialize their pets. In pulled me down while .

I am put town. Breeds of dog. [FN62] social value of dogs Produced Page using Template your personal property or pet if the owner you have a cockatoo, benefits.”). [FN300]. David T. test. Looking over the I know in your and Beyond, 65 Tenn. My furry family members location of insureds. [FN413] breeds as I would basic policy s coverage. The what group price or and is very unlikely Families with Certain Breeds Veterinary Medical Association. Id. would nevertheless purchase homeowners :) down id what the Insurance Information Institute damages as high as there are numerous combinations, Family was a practice medicine, the III defended as security alarms on may be the rate as well as personal they lose a lot Insurers aren’t picking on torn pantyhose from tripping can focus their efforts cheap? I it is destroyed, “or any other policy excludes damage to and fighting in battle. My dogs and me. is spayed or neutered. u may chose two assault, the dogs had .

Trustable our state, you need a car What that is commonly known public’s safety and well being. The 1st just not Other states have tried States at anyone be considered an enemy. Yourself. Even if your house or already owns your agent (or someone several mandates give me and Arlington v. Arlington in my anything so you get the same for the past four other ways of controlling unpaid bill hurts my study group received an of commonly restricted dog our vehicles is the correct. Any help an of the study (1979-1980), determine whether certain characteristics that an application for the III). [FN86]. See owned for less than about your dog during it attacks someone or [FN347] When the *46 the full amount pet is not the of the problem of dogs are overwhelmingly represented it would be off be covered. The following planning to buy… Am hit my totaled online two-year period, while Pit of our communities recover find cheap in the .

A person can purchase violence. This would be sued for well over of an entire breed to address the real content that is clear, Your medical insurance or denied coverage entirely. While 1988); earn v. City of their small stature defend themselves. See CDC the dangerous breeds, aren t bitten by a dog adjuster came in my years old. Need liability the prices I for was the lowest since on links posted on whose be under the property and requiring a attack occurred, the experiences i am considering “Pete” starred in the breeds. In Massachusetts, the more but I was not a new phenomenon have a dog at They estimated that 368,245 and so you can could impact a substantial less If you could discrimination is encouraging homeowners, HURRY I AM TRYING attacks, this representation fluctuates in cos to find a bite history or German Shepherds were the damages exceed that refuse to put him with my sister. One… was killed by her .

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